oh marriage.

I have questions about life, as most do. I have hesitations, doubts, frustrations, you name it. But I know that those emotions are a result of my lack of trust, my lack of surrender, my prideful will over-shadowing His. Father, ignite and fuel my faith! 

The biggest and most reoccurring thought lately (and for a few years now) has been...dun dun dun! Marriage. Oh marriage.
I so easily let that desire of marriage-of companionship-of my adventure partner-become a thought of something I 'need' that trumps the unrelenting love and satisfaction of Jesus. Why would anything be given to me if I desire it more than I desire Jesus?

The more I think and hope for that unity, a family, even if I am to justify it with Christ-centeredness, the more I hope for that instead of just simply, Him. If I desire and choose to deny myself daily and take up my cross (Luke 9:23),  then I have to do so. I have to deny my wants, my desires, my longings, and dreams. Laying them at the altar in an effort to say, "Jesus, take them. I submit. I say 'no' to my will and joyfully, radically, and obediently choose Yours".

I am learning that if God wants me to marry someone, then our desires must be in sync with Christ's; our passion for the Kingdom must always come before our passion for one another. And if He desires for me to marry someone, it will happen! In His perfect timing, in His perfect way. The part where I mess up is during the waiting period-dating, marriage, life. I can either continually submit to the life plan that God has for me, or I can make it harder on myself and let disappointment and doubt sneak back in. He must always be first, and must always be implicitly trusted.

When I collide with this realization of utter surrender, I know I often expect something in return..as if I've done something to even deserve that. I have to surrender. I have to let go. With no expectations. 

To not only lay it at the altar, but to also leave it at the altar. 
Leaving everything I am, everything I have at the righteous feet of Jesus...because He is enough.

i am a mess

Long time no post, right? I've determined I'm more likely to write when I truly feel that I am doing what God has for me. Which is a stupid statement in and of itself because of many things: A.) my agenda, no matter how much I try, will never trump God's planned trajectory of my life 2.) it's a reflection of my selfishness to assume that what's before me, where my current 'home' is, what activities/responsibilities that fill up my days are not strategically implemented by the God of the universe--who is the same God who has mapped out my life. So, it’s a stupid statement, agreed? Agreed. But it's true! I willingly, and sometimes grudgingly, share my heart here (and with others) so much more joyfully and readily when the puzzle pieces of life are fitting together—in my eyes. Lawd I am a mess.

One of the biggest lessons God has been teaching me lately is the outrageous importance of both being in the Word, and committing it to heart, not just memory. However, being in the Word is hard for me! It's way easier for me to read an encouraging or challenging theologically based book than to open the very words of God (hence, pride problem). But I am SO thankful that GOD, not me or my church or a friend, but God has placed a desire and an acknowledgment of how vital it is for me to be in the Word. And not just the passages or books of the Bible that are favored, because it makes us 'feel good'. NO. The Word of God, in its entirety. It is all so deeply important for me, for us. If I truly long to know the God of the universe, the Creator, my Shepherd, my Father, I too should long to read His Word.

I have never honestly been able to admit to my 'bad days' that are often excused because I, "didn't get enough sleep", "have been working a lot", "don't feel good", etc. When really, they are all because my flesh is smothering Christ in me, and I'm letting it! I am choosing to sleep in when I should wake up and immediately begin my day with Him. I am choosing to watch TV instead of talk with my Savior. I am choosing to let my mind and body be filled with the endless junk this world offers, instead of accepting the refining firing through the sanctification that Jesus joyfully offers. It's ridiculous really. I am...an idiot. 

But, even in my infinite times of stupidity, God is faithful to remind me of my utter depravity without Him. That's why being in the Word has been so refreshing. To understand that my bad days are simply because I have yet to spend time with Him. To know that He pursues me, aggressively, even when I run the other way. 

I guess I'll stick with my theme of 'Lauren is a mess'.

I wish learning, or rather re-learning, the foundational truths of my relationship with God were not so popular in my life. I should get it by now…most things at least. But I forget, I doubt, I fear...and then I remember I need Jesus. I was flipping through the Psalms and chapters 25-34 were just like light bulb after light bulb. I want nothing more than to know what God has for me and do what God has for me. That's it. And I frequently hear my flesh saying that where I am, what I'm doing at this very moment with my life does not fit into what God has for me. So, that leads to further doubt, frustration, confusion, and a number of other gross emotions-all of which are me me me and not the slightest Jesus. Hey-oh pride! 

I want to "wait all the day long" for my God [Psalm 25:5], "all the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness" [Psalm 25:10]-I want that faith! I want to have the "steadfast love" before my eyes and I want to "walk in your faithfulness" [Psalm 26:3]. I want to yearn for the presence of God, to ache and "love the habitation of your house and the place where your glory dwells" [Psalm 26:8]. I want a heart that willingly offers sacrifices with joyful songs, only because He is worth it [Psalm 27:6]. I want my life to sing praises to a worthy God, a faithful and deserving Father. I want to see, believe, accept, and praise my God who abundantly offers steadfast love to me [Psalm 30-32]. I want to faithfully walk in confidence, knowing that waiting on the Lord is for my good, that His instructions are always right, and always always for my good [Psalm 31:19, Psalm 32:8]. I want to "bless the Lord at all times" [Psalm 34:1]. 

For whatever reason, when I am reminded of my selfishness-my brokenness-my absolute need for Jesus, I sometimes prefer guilt over sanctification. Maybe it's because the guilt is easier than the refining fire that just hurts. It hurts to see things about yourself that you've not seen before or maybe that you've seen too many times! It hurts to remember how human you are, when you think you're actually doing okay in life. It just hurts. But I want to always want the refining fire. Father, give me a heart that desires the refinement of your hands.

In this mess of a 'post' if that's what you can even call it, I am learning my heart needs Jesus. So badly. And in my constant need of Jesus, I learn that His Word is precious, that there are so many nooks and crannies in me that need to be cleaned out and replaced with the holiness of the Savior, that I will never know enough about my God, and that in the mess of what is Lauren, He still chooses to love me. To faithfully love me and to instruct me for my good. I am blown away. Thank you Jesus. 

I so often forget the stunning engagement of being in the presence of God while also having His presence in me. I tend to think it's one or the other, and I let my needy self forget that they are intended and most delighted when experienced together. I question my heart, when I'm in those periods of drought, if I ask to encounter the Father with a heart that expects Him to do something for me. How many times have I been indifferent to the Words of God? How often do I try to control the encounter; the flesh-breaking collision with God the Almighty?

My God is my treasure. An incomparable, immeasurable treasure. If He gives me nothing more than Himself, that is enough. Because He is the reward. I want that nothing compare to my love for Christ. Because His words are life. Even when they sting, they are life.

as I fall on my knees

It is my heart's battle against itself to refuse frustration, to ward off complacency...to drown myself in the all sufficient cup of the Father in avoidance of my heart shriveling up. Waiting, is a momentary struggle.

Keep my eyes fixed on You. Remind me of Your promises, that You are refining me, leading me. Rid me of all emotions that deprive me of Your holiness. Thank You, for allowing me to experience Your grace, though I am eternally undeserving.

I feel as though I am often falling on my knees, in desperate search for You. Grow me as I fall on my knees. Under You, I fall on my knees in humble submission.

As I fall on my knees again and again, Yahweh Shammah, 'the Lord is there'.

current struggle:

feeling expendable. and this makes me grossly frustrated with staying where i currently am.

i'm in, what seems to be a never ending process, of seeking the God i know. seeking his love, his fulfilling love. and, praying that i am constantly broken. that i am passionately, relentlessly, out of breath running in a pursuit to know Him more. and in that, to see the creation that He has made me.

Goodbye's Suck

If you had 'a penny for my thoughts' you'd be on your way to material wealth. Because my mind has been racing with thoughts and a huge mix of emotions. I'm working on gathering those thoughts and identifying my emotions from Christ's. But I'm still working, and I believe it will take time to make sense of what is going on up there in my 'ole noggin. Don't expect eloquence or a well-written post. I'm far from poise, and far from a well collection of thoughts, ideas, stories...bear with me, if you will.

Goodbyes suck. In fact I don’t believe in them, only ‘see you later’s’. I feel like I’ve dealt with a fair share of goodbyes this time. Yes, I know with some, these goodbyes are only temporary and a great dobrodošli (welcome!) awaits me and my temporary goodbyes in Heaven. I do find comfort in that, but even as I write this, tears are filling my eyes (tears have been a close accomplice of mine lately. I see it as God’s humbling touch upon such a prideful human as myself. Simply because I hate to cry). It’s not the idea of possibly never seeing them again. But rather, it’s the realization of how precious those who hold a ‘temporary goodbye’ have become. I do my absolute best to try and avoid attachments, because I know that ‘see you later’s’ are inevitable. But sometimes it just happens. And when it does, it’s with the most Christ centered people I’ve come across. Those who’ve invested in my molding to become more like Christ. That’s why it sucks. I know that I’m guaranteed to see them again, but having to think and then actually separate from the most revolutionary people in my life…it just hurts. I know it’s only a physical separation, but it’s still tough. That’s why the ‘goodbye’ or even, the ‘see you later’ is hard no matter what; because it’s leaving the security of someone who has so quickly engulfed me in the refining love of Christ. It’s not as simple or emotionless as it may seem. How do I even begin to explain to someone their significance in my life? I wouldn’t change the opportunity of meeting and serving alongside some of the most Kingdom provoking individuals I’ve been privileged enough to encounter. Except for my ‘see you later’s’ and ‘goodbyes’, they would become absent from my vocabulary.

"Tell them you are well."

The sun was just waking up at 6:00 o’clock in the morning. I, however, was far from awake. I began making my rounds and as I sluggishly approached the next hospital door it was covered in a large sign saying, “BLIND”-although someone had crossed through that and instead put, “but now can see because of JESUS.” I knocked on her door, walked in and said good morning. She joyfully replied with “Good morning mam!” [Had she known my age, I’m sure she would have called me something along the lines of ‘honey’ or ‘darling’]. I can’t explain it to you but she radiantly exuded Truth.
I finished checking on her and told her I would be back to see how she was doing in a little bit. So I went to my other patients. I couldn’t help but feel strongly propelled to go back to that sweet old lady’s room. After I finished up with the other patients, I secretly made my way back to her room. I can’t tell you why exactly, but I just felt God wanted me to tell her that she is glorifying Him. So I did. I then told her that I if I don’t see her ever again, that I cannot wait to see her in Heaven. I watched as tears began to form in her glassed-over eyes. She asked what my name was and said, “Sit down.”
I found myself sobbing as I held the gentle hand of an 80-something child of God. I sat there and listened to a precious daughter of the King joyfully tell me how she met Jesus.
She told me how she lost her vision. She thought she was having a stroke and the doctors at a different hospital had given her a pain medication that ended up causing her to have a severe allergic reaction.
She said, “I blinked twice and it was gone”.

I didn’t know what to say. All I could do was squeeze her hand in hopes that it would be a sign of the love that had so quickly overwhelmed my heart for this lady.

She told me of stories leading up to her blindness.She said, “A couple of days before this happened…as clear as day I lay in my bed and on one side of me I saw the green trees blowing in the wind. On the other side, I couldn’t make out any shapes but only saw pink and gold and white. I wasn’t dreaming. I was awake. I wasn’t hallucinating. I know it was a vision from God”. I don’t want to say disbelief came over me but rather, I found myself awestruck.
She continued, “You have to love the children."
I then told her where I felt like God was leading me. As I attempted to explain myself, she cried and said, “Isn’t He good? He gives us everything we need. The least we can do is give him everything we have.”
I’ve never found myself for such a loss of words.
Though it had only been twenty minutes, it felt like I had been listening to her for two hours (which I would love to do).
I told her that I have to get back to work. Before I stood up, I squeezed her hand with a prayer that she felt God in this time. She said to me, “Lauren, I ask God for my vision back. I know I will get it back when I see Him in heaven, and I can’t wait. I ask for it back now, not just because I want it back, but because I want to tell people what He’s done for me. There’s too much work to do here.” I was speechless. How beautifully had the Spirit spoken through her?
She asked for some contact information and I felt like I frantically yanked out my paper and pen in utter excitement that I would see or hear from her again.
I told her that I would never forget her and through empty words tried to explain my thankfulness for this divine appointment. God is good.
The last thing she said to me was, “Keep after Him. His plans are great! And when people ask you how you are doing…tell them you are well. Because you are always doing well when you are following the Lord.”
I have no idea what happened to this sweet lady. Selfishly I asked God for her to give me a call. I wonder if she can see, I wonder if she is with Him. But I don’t anxiously wonder these things. Instead, I rejoice in the privilege of our twenty minute conversation. I rejoice because God was the center of it and he was totally glorified in our words. I rejoice because I received the wisdom of a woman of the Lord. I rejoice because I know she is His and I will see her again.