AHH! It's finally here.I leave tomorrow to embark on an incredible journey. Tomorrow I will finally be where I feel I belong. I have so desperately been waiting for this day. It has almost become my hope. To know that I will be doing what I know I am supposed to be doing. That’s not too common in my life. I tend to live a day to day life, waiting to hear for more direction. Sometimes, He gives little glimpses, but not full answers. Other times He tells me very clearly where I should go next.
I cannot explain how ready I am. I am not anticipating the excitement that this work will entail, but rather I am so very ready to be in the midst of persecution, redemption, and surrender. I cannot imagine what God will do. I have been asked many times leading up to this day, “What do you expect to see from God?” And to be entirely honest, I do not know what to expect. Of course, I expect for Him to work in ways that I cannot dream about. I expect Him to speak through us so that His kingdom is seen. But when it comes to what do I expect Him to do in my heart, I don’t have a clue. I have been thinking about how we set expectations for God. Not a bad thing at all, but what if the expectations we hold Him to are not what we need. What if we expect for God to strengthen our faith, but before that we have to experience God. I think in my own life, I tend to hold expectations that I know God can fulfill, but will he? He knows my heart and motives better than I do, so if I am praying for something, what if God first needs to fill us in a different area?
Colossians chapter four has been my anchor. When I meditate on these words from God, I am not only filled with new wisdom, but also courage and direction. I have been asking God to just send me off with a message that I can understand and then share it. For a long time, I felt like God was not going to honor that request prior to my trip. I knew He would provide, but I also knew it would be in His time. Let me share Colossians 4:1-6 with you:
“Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison-that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak. Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you out to answer each person.”
I would not call this a worry, but rather a hesitation. I have been just dwelling on how little I know about God, about his Word, about Christ. It is such an easy foothold for the enemy to step in. I will never be as wise as I want to be. I will be as wise as God pleases for me to be. I don’t know all the answers. And that is the beauty of Christ. I don’t have to know all the answers. There are secrets that God knows solely because our simple minds cannot comprehend such a vast amount of wisdom, and such a God who pours that wisdom on us. A sinful worldly creature, yet he is gracious enough to grant me the wisdom that I so much desire. I don’t get it. But this is why I have to go. I have to go and tell of the love that cannot be experienced any other way. Not only by obligation or obedience, but because I simply cannot keep my mouth shut!
I trust that God will keep the promise that he speaks of in Col 4. ‘that God may open to us a door for the word.’ And he will.
So as I continue to prepare for this trip, I leave with that hopeful word. To pray continually with thanksgiving, for God to open a door so that we can proclaim the name of Christ. To walk in wisdom, using my time well, to speak with grace and with salt so that they may thirst for Christ, and in doing this, the Spirit with speak for me.
Walking in His presence. Loving every minute.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
just thinking
Just thinking.
It is a whirlwind of emotions when the presence of God saturates a room of people who love Him. Do you know what I mean? That’s the way it was on Wednesday. It was like I could cry but not because I needed to or wanted to, but because I recognized how big God is. It’s like I sometimes forget, which I’m ashamed to admit, but it's true. It’s easy for me to forget about how mighty my God is and yet loves me enough to have a relationship with me? BAFFLING. I have done nothing to deserve Him.
The coolest thing about tonight: It was as if when scripture was read by someone, the voice of the Lord spoke. Audibly spoke- not symbolically, metaphorically, figuratively or any other ways, but I truly heard the sound of the Lord speaking promises and truths-in a way that I had never received it, but it revived my spirit. I’ve heard the Lord before, in different and awesome ways. I can even say I've heard him through scripture. But I have never heard an audible voice spoken through such powerful words as the ones promised by my God. It's been something I've needed. Tonight I felt like Thomas when Christ tells him to touch his side (John 20:27)- where he had been pierced- that is how tangible he was. It's a crazy thing when the Spirit of God engulfs you..
It is a whirlwind of emotions when the presence of God saturates a room of people who love Him. Do you know what I mean? That’s the way it was on Wednesday. It was like I could cry but not because I needed to or wanted to, but because I recognized how big God is. It’s like I sometimes forget, which I’m ashamed to admit, but it's true. It’s easy for me to forget about how mighty my God is and yet loves me enough to have a relationship with me? BAFFLING. I have done nothing to deserve Him.
The coolest thing about tonight: It was as if when scripture was read by someone, the voice of the Lord spoke. Audibly spoke- not symbolically, metaphorically, figuratively or any other ways, but I truly heard the sound of the Lord speaking promises and truths-in a way that I had never received it, but it revived my spirit. I’ve heard the Lord before, in different and awesome ways. I can even say I've heard him through scripture. But I have never heard an audible voice spoken through such powerful words as the ones promised by my God. It's been something I've needed. Tonight I felt like Thomas when Christ tells him to touch his side (John 20:27)- where he had been pierced- that is how tangible he was. It's a crazy thing when the Spirit of God engulfs you..
Monday, April 5, 2010
going somewhere..
I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I do not have a plan that exceeds three months, do not have an idea of what my future will hold. Sure, I have my hopes and dreams; some realistic,others not. But most of all, where am I going? That was
the question that really got me. I don't know what God is doing with my life. To most people my age, this is something that just doesn't settle easy. Especially with my parents; I'm sure they view my life as a somewhat lazy life-having no direction- since I didn't do the typical thing when you graduate.
I had a plan. It started when I was in my junior year of high school. At the time I was in a relationship that I believed was THE relationship. The one that would last. So I was counting on that, college was a given. I planned on either going somewhere in state,or following this guy that I believed was going to be my husband. We had talked about the future. Then we broke up. So now my plan had changed. I would still go to college, become a nurse,find a husband and start a family. My dream at the time was to have a family. I have never wanted anything more than to be a mom.
Senior year. The plans were still in motion. I was going to room with my best friend, have a great time meeting new people, seeing new things and then came January.
I had had what some would call a rude awakening; however, this is when God stepped in. I had finally opened the door and He brought direction. You see,I made those plans. God may have been slightly involved, but He had definitely not been the core of my searching. It was in the winter crisp air that my sovereign God spoke so very clearly. He said to stop planning and to go.Okay God,go where?
First it started with Slovakia-to sum this devastating blessing up: God had given peace and confirmations left and right. But it didn't work out. Okay God, now where? I had cancelled my applications to the colleges I applied to.
I ended up going to a community college working my way to nursing school- I figured medical missions is my 'calling' [I still believe it to be]. Second semester came around and I was enrolled in classes to further my nursing career. Another sovereign interruption.
I was talking with a friend, saying of how I just wanted to go; just serve, do what God desires for me to do. His advice: "Do it!" Plain and simple.
This leads me to where I am now. Croatia- I cannot express how divinely orchestrated this was. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and spiritual battles, but glory to God because His name is going to be known!
One of the most challenging obstacles in this journey has been the telling my friends and family. I found myself shocked at some of the responses I got [most seemed to come from the people whom I thought would have been most excited and supportive]. Responses that consisted of, 'are you sure?' 'Why' 'you're making a mistake' 'you can do ministry here at home, why are you leaving'? All of these seemed to burden me. I would express to these people that I have been praying that this is His desire placed in me. That I have to obey. It was not just a calling, but a simple act of obedience. I needed to tell of His glory. It was something that I had become deeply passionate about.
I have found that it is not about pleasing my parents or my friends. It wasn't about anyone who was watching. It's not about me. I am so unworthy to be used by Him, however He has bathed me in seasons of redemption to lead me to where I am now.I feel that God wants me to be in such a place of vulnerability and exposure that He beautifully seen in these dark places. Where I am lacking, He is sufficient. In my doubts, He has radiantly shown Himself.
I know that it is all about making his name famous. I just am waiting on where He leads me. Where can I glorify Him?
-lead by his hand.
Lauren
the question that really got me. I don't know what God is doing with my life. To most people my age, this is something that just doesn't settle easy. Especially with my parents; I'm sure they view my life as a somewhat lazy life-having no direction- since I didn't do the typical thing when you graduate.
I had a plan. It started when I was in my junior year of high school. At the time I was in a relationship that I believed was THE relationship. The one that would last. So I was counting on that, college was a given. I planned on either going somewhere in state,or following this guy that I believed was going to be my husband. We had talked about the future. Then we broke up. So now my plan had changed. I would still go to college, become a nurse,find a husband and start a family. My dream at the time was to have a family. I have never wanted anything more than to be a mom.
Senior year. The plans were still in motion. I was going to room with my best friend, have a great time meeting new people, seeing new things and then came January.
I had had what some would call a rude awakening; however, this is when God stepped in. I had finally opened the door and He brought direction. You see,I made those plans. God may have been slightly involved, but He had definitely not been the core of my searching. It was in the winter crisp air that my sovereign God spoke so very clearly. He said to stop planning and to go.Okay God,go where?
First it started with Slovakia-to sum this devastating blessing up: God had given peace and confirmations left and right. But it didn't work out. Okay God, now where? I had cancelled my applications to the colleges I applied to.
I ended up going to a community college working my way to nursing school- I figured medical missions is my 'calling' [I still believe it to be]. Second semester came around and I was enrolled in classes to further my nursing career. Another sovereign interruption.
I was talking with a friend, saying of how I just wanted to go; just serve, do what God desires for me to do. His advice: "Do it!" Plain and simple.
This leads me to where I am now. Croatia- I cannot express how divinely orchestrated this was. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and spiritual battles, but glory to God because His name is going to be known!
One of the most challenging obstacles in this journey has been the telling my friends and family. I found myself shocked at some of the responses I got [most seemed to come from the people whom I thought would have been most excited and supportive]. Responses that consisted of, 'are you sure?' 'Why' 'you're making a mistake' 'you can do ministry here at home, why are you leaving'? All of these seemed to burden me. I would express to these people that I have been praying that this is His desire placed in me. That I have to obey. It was not just a calling, but a simple act of obedience. I needed to tell of His glory. It was something that I had become deeply passionate about.
I have found that it is not about pleasing my parents or my friends. It wasn't about anyone who was watching. It's not about me. I am so unworthy to be used by Him, however He has bathed me in seasons of redemption to lead me to where I am now.I feel that God wants me to be in such a place of vulnerability and exposure that He beautifully seen in these dark places. Where I am lacking, He is sufficient. In my doubts, He has radiantly shown Himself.
I know that it is all about making his name famous. I just am waiting on where He leads me. Where can I glorify Him?
-lead by his hand.
Lauren
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