i can't explain myself to you through a well-written post. it's just impossible. this is a piece of my journal-whom no one reads except me. it's just between me and Him. but i had to attempt to show you where i am and what He is doing.

"God I so desire to do whatever you want. I so desire to be with You. God, I long to be Home. God, I long to see your face. But you keep me here. And you give me physical pain for the depravity of my neighbors.

Jesus, please intensify that pain. God, as I write across this paper, my hand is shaking. Father storm my spirit with Yours. Father, I beg of you, God please, I am begging for your will. God if I dare to desire anything more than You, God would you please, oh my goodness God, please please rid me of that. Show me how useless, meaningless, temporary, unfulfillable these worldly, these fleshly desires are. And God, they can't amount to You! So Father, I am pleading with you to please make this desire a raging rapid. Make it rush, make it rage, make it crash against rocks (the rocks being all my human desires) with force. Drowning them so that their once protruding surfaces are now unseen. God I beg you to do this. I'm shaking God. I know this is You; Christ in me. Oh Jesus please.

God keep me occupied with your joy (Ecc 5).

And as I experience Your joy: full, complete, flawless, I am also experiencing immense sorrow. Because I know I'm safe while others are not; some who are my best friends, family, and others I don't even know what they look like. Jesus, continue to break my heart. It's only a fraction of how you feel and God what a privilege to feel Your heart. Please pour it on me.

Whatever You want, whoever you want me to talk to. God yes! And God as there will be times I don't see the fruit, God graciously give me perseverance.

Jesus-all for Your Name's sake. God, take me where you want me, do with me what you want, speak to me what you want. I desire You. Nothing, but You!"

though it is not in this particular page from my journal: i am singing praises

i didn't ask for it, but He came anyways..

It would be a shame, selfish, and disobedient if I chose to not share my yesterday with you. I believe that I experienced a taste of revival.

I woke up yesterday feeling sick, tired, and honestly did not want to go to church. I sat through worship, barely sung because my throat was hurting so bad. I sat through my pastor’s sermon. I listened, but I just felt like I was so attacked by the enemy yesterday morning. My ill body, my weary soul was becoming a huge distraction. I was missing the Spirit of the Lord. I was missing a divine appointment. Though I had done things to quench the Spirit, I believe that God had something but bigger than one appointment. He met with his people.

Yesterday, I witnessed the love of God the Father drown the souls of thirsty followers. For the hopeless, the afraid, the broken, redemption fell upon their shoulders. Like a light had drawn out of the darkest place known to man, the Spirit ignited the hearts of His people.

A simple hour and a half church service exceeded the typical ending time of 12:30. Instead of individuals, families, and friends leaving, they stayed.

Voices roared across the body of Christ. Voices crying for help, crying for forgiveness, begging for the Spirit of God to indwell in their lives, in this place, across this city, in this world. Instead of the altar being an intimidating place to approach, people swarmed to it. To find refuge, acceptance, and love.

We did not pray yesterday. We did not worship yesterday. We cried, with our everything to God, in what I can only describe as the most pure and humbling plead for God to intercede in our lives. It was the heart cry of every person in there, it was the heart cry of the body of Christ. I say that, not in disbelief that God supernaturally swept over his people yesterday. I say that in confidence that He is REAL, he is MOVING, and he is CONSTANT. And that is what I desire. This is what He desires.

I cannot express to you how much my heart longs to serve him. Even know as these words appear, my heart flutters, my body begins to shake, at the thought of what He can do. And how I simply have to give him everything. Because “All that I have is Yours, and all that You have is mine” (John 17:10). I desire to be a part of that, God “Here am I! Send me” Isaiah 6:8

I believe God was fully delighted yesterday. In our depravity, our surrender, our acknowledgement of His glory, He danced. Because His people came together and desired for the Father to be known. Known to the ends of the earth, as the unconditionally loving, forgiving, wholly perfect, wholly sufficient, sovereign One. And how do we let that be known? We allow the Spirit to ignite our hearts in confident faith that it will catch. That the Fire of God will consume this earth, His people.

I believe I saw a bit of revival yesterday. I didn’t ask for it (though now I am). But He came anyways. To image what revival across a city, a nation, across the world could look like..my heart pounds.

So I ask, from here on out, with all that I am. God, bring me to places of Your awestruck beauty, you endless and abundant love. Bring me to places where I am stripped of all that I am, and left only by your grace. Redeem Your people. Consume us with your Spirit.

“In that day the Lord of hosts will be a crown of glory, and a diadem of beauty, to the remnant of his people” Isaiah 28:5

Because He is worthy.

Because He is worthy.

Friday night I stepped back into reality. After spending a week in the thick interior of the Amazon jungle (Suriname, South America), my mind is racing. I wasn’t sure what to expect upon arrival, wasn’t sure how to prepare myself, how to prepare my heart. Honestly, my only form of preparation, of defense, was prayer. I have never found myself woken up so many times throughout the night to simply, pray. This past week I restlessly woke up in the middle of the night. I allowed my body to sink deeper into my hammock when all I could do is pray. Pray for the people I had encountered and would encounter, pray for the people back home, for my heart, for this ministry, pray. I didn’t know what else to do. In those moments of head on collisions with the heart of God, my spirit broke.

It broke because I had narrowed what God has for me. When I found a place and a ministry that I was comfortable in, that I believed God had specifically for me, I stayed just there. That was the problem; that is when my heart broke. I realized that I had chosen to settle. I was active about furthering this ministry; active about seeking after ways to serve in this ministry. But I was stagnant and swiftly passed places where God is allowing me to serve. Because I thought I found my ‘nitch’ and that’s where I was going to stay. I thought He had equipped me for that one ministry, that one place. That’s it.

The Beauty: I found myself attentively and desperately listening to the Spirit softly whisper promises of being fully and perfectly equipped (which in case you weren’t aware, is totally mind-blowing) to be anywhere and to serve anyone. Anywhere, to anyone. To everyone.

My spirit also broke because I so desperately want to serve Him; to the point where the urgency of Christ’s name is now the beating rhythm of my heart.

My heart resonates with praises of the unknown, but my human thinking cries impatiently for answers. Though I do feel like my life has been mountains of uncertainty, one thing that is certain is the sovereignty of God, of His perfect and complete will. It is in that that I submit my entire being. To that, I fully trust. Yes, moments of doubt are inevitable, yes this may seem extreme, but I’ll do it. And I’ll do it with everything that is within me. Because He is worthy.

“Worthy are You, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created” Revelation 4:11

“Every place that the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given to you, just as I promised to Moses.” Joshua 1:3

Am I the only one who struggles to remember this promise? When I doubt, when I’m lonely [which I should look at loneliness with God’s purpose of preparation, then it’s not so lonely; it’s a good struggle], when I’m suffering [though no amount of suffering I endure is even comparable to the amount Christ suffered], when I’m restless, and broken. All of it has been given to me GIVEN. An opportunity to suffer for the name of Christ. Yet, my human flesh becomes weak and burdened and I slip into the world’s acceptable response of, “this is too hard for me”. But because I am HIS, “he will guard the feet of his faithful ones” (1 Samuel 2:9).

I’m in this strange place of emotions. Weeping for the desperation of this world to know a Savior, and hurting because of this world. I can’t stay in the middle. I can’t walk this line. Because when I walk this fine line, I reject so much of His sovereignty. I begin to rely on material things, nuclear friends and family, daily routines. I’m not asking the Father to interrupt my life. And, I believe that I should be praying that; earnestly begging God to the point where my soul groans (Romans 8:26) to do His will. His interruptions are perfect, divine, and priceless. And he is worthy of my response.

Consider interruptions to be trials, sufferings, hardships, fill in the blank. What if I saw and accepted every straining moment of my life to be a divine interruption interceded by the Spirit of God, my Creator? Then, could I praise Him in response? Could I acknowledge His sovereignty more readily? What if life’s interruptions were viewed as a key to heaven? And that key was accessible to me-an insect, a passer-by, a student, a human. Human, having the nature of man. Not of God, not of divinity, not of holiness. Of filth, of superficial ideals, of sin. And I have way in to eternity? It is given to me. Mind blowing.

“I delight to do your will, O my God..” Psalm 40:8

enough

If I were to be remembered for anything, I would want to be remembered for being a lover. An easy lover. I want to relentlessly love my Father. I want to relentlessly love others because of my Father. I want to love with no reservations, because Christ had none on me. Though I am broken, though I am restless, though I am sinful, I am His. How breathtaking is the Father’s love for me? For us. And how dare I try and shorten the arm of God by ‘finding it hard to love someone’.

God, You love for me-a stained creature. An insect to this inadequate world. But You love me. Regardless of my faults, of my sins that I’ve committed, that I’m thinking about committing, and that I am committing. You love me. Jesus, use me. Love your people through me. Teach me how to love in a way that can only be described by You, because God then, You are glorified. Then, You are magnified, You are seen, You are enough. I simply cannot love through You, unless I fully overwhelm myself in Your FREE and ABUNDANT love. You are enough! I need nothing else. I want nothing else, but You. Sweet Jesus, teach me.

He broke me and redeemed me all at once; something that I cannot keep to myself. I found myself at sixteen years old madly in love with my Savior. He has sufficated me in His love and I am constantly reminded of how unworthy I am. But I know that His grace covers me and I will continue to wholeheartedly praise Him and earnestly seek Him. So here I am, walking into something that I believe is completely directed by Him. And I am nothing, just a simple vessel, but my heart burns to serve for Him.

"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps" 1 Peter 2:21

Sight

Recently within the past couple of weeks something God has been teaching me, is how to see eternally. I think I’ve begun to understand (very very little) how I should be looking at this world. It is temporary. It is flawed. It is in desperate need.

I think what sparked this thought was how I’ve often let my mind slip into typical worldly thinking. The worries, the stresses, the so-called ‘happiness’ of the world. Yep. I was totally convinced. And I’m ashamed to admit that it has taken me this long to have a view of eternity before my eyes. But I’m endlessly thankful that I’ve grasped it. Even if it is still just setting in, I am grateful that I have eternity before me. That the concerns of this world cannot consume me. That nothing can separate me from eternity with my Father. That statement alone, that “No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38). I should have no amount of hopelessness, because I rejoice in the hope of the glory of God (Romans 5:4).

I wish I could tell you that this was a natural and easy conclusion to meet. But it just wasn’t for me. I struggled; I was caught up in the attractions of this world. Plain and simple. But what I love most about this is I now see. I see the urgency of making my Creator glorified because this earth is passing. I see eternity, always before me. But never losing sight of the desperation I’m surrounded by.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Father, do whatever you need to do in me, so that you are glorified.

Completely humbled and awed by the love of my Father.

Relentlessly asking You to glorify yourself. Whatever it takes.