over-the-hill is not really over

So, I completed the 40 day fast last Sunday. Am I supposed to feel accomplished or proud? Because if so I must have done something wrong. You know, I wish I could tell you that God just really moved in these 40 days. And he did. Just not in the way some would expect. To be entirely honest, I did a poor poor job of making time to meet with Him. Not finding time with him. Because it's not about squeezing him into my 'chaotic' schedule. I identified early that I just was not seeking him as earnestly as I ought to, that I pretty much wasn't meeting Him half-way. You know what I did? I prayed and talked about it, but took no action. I was so caught up in doing this fast perfectly that I made it my priority. I placed God on the back-burner. And I am ashamed. Completely ashamed. These 40 days were not about doing the fast.Yes, I made this commitment with God and I did my absolute best to honor it. But in the midst of the fast, it was as if God just kind of went, "hello! are you even looking for me? I'm waiting for you, where are you?" And that's the part where you're heart sinks and you turn your face in hopes of avoiding the wide-eyes of the one who said, 'I'm waiting for you.' That's how I felt. So, I did this fast. I never wanted this fast to an attempt for vanity and I pray that it wasn't.This does nothing to my 'spiritual/religious status'. Nor would I want it to. It is an intimacy with Christ that is absolutely refreshing. It only brought on the realization that I don't do it as often as I should. In Matthew 6, it says 'When you fast..' not if you get around to it, if you choose to fast, but WHEN. It is an act of obedience, a step of action to pursue Christ, pursue holiness, pursue righteousness.