Letting you read this scares me.
I have been in a battle for a long time. Fighting against, loneliness. From just a friend, to that significant other that most humans long for. In my little circle of friends, seems as though everyone has a significant other and is either dating or on their way to marriage. And lately, my thought process has been strategic. Thoughts of who could be there, what to wear, blah blah blah. I hate it. Because after my high school relationship ended, I felt a tremendous peace about being single. And that peace extended for a long time. But it has slowly deteriorated. I had a really awesome conversation with God a week or so ago. We talked about this and my concern of how I will know when it's okay to date. Because I had to re-learn what it looked like for God to guard my heart. Not only that, but I also had to desire that, and then do my part. So it's been like a vault. No one in, just not even going to go there, because it scared me. I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and I believed that that was to be single. As more than a year passed, I became really confused on how I was supposed to know if I was ready to date. If God even wanted me to date. It truly got to the point of my motives being distracted.
A few days later, I had another conversation with the Big Guy upstairs. The solution: God will not bless me with anything unless I desire Him. I was content being single because I was joyful in God, desiring Him, and loving the ride. That content drifted away when I drifted away from God. From spending time with Him, talking with Him. That excitement of being able to talk with the Creator of the universe got highly inconsistent.
Such a simple reminder, and I am still learning. A basic concept, and I always need to be reminded. I love that feeling when you hit this point of revelation and it seems as though all the worries and concerns that consumed your thoughts have vanquished into thin air.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4
I guess since I stalk you enough, I could comment too. This is Liz...wordpress was my blog from an Honors class two years ago.
ReplyDeleteAnywho...
I think grad school is purposefully designed to make you lose perspective. So I come to your blog and you being open and honest helps me be honest. Tonight I really, really needed a perspective check, and a friend. Thanks for posting, friend.
Ugh, I'm a disaster. I wrote this comment last night, closed my computer, opened it this morning, and saw that I didn't type the stupid word verification thing. Just so you know, that's how "tonight" ended up posting at 9 in the morning.
ReplyDeleteEnd rant. I'll probably forget to type the word on this one too.