The most precious human being turned 81 years old on this beautiful crisp Sunday. My grandmother, Memaw, has one of the biggest hearts of love. Love that seems to only deepen each day. Always asking me, 'Hello sweet, how are you today?' A simple women, filled with the love of Christ and always ready to empty herself for others. An intelligent woman, bright and full of vigor. Her intelligence, more so wisdom, streams off the pages of the Book. She has read and studied this Book for years and still discovers new beauties of her Father. Not a time passes where I fail to hear her mention the Word. She is strong, stubborn, and bold, yet soft and gentle. My encourager, and the woman who taught me how to act like a princess of the King. She says it best, 'I love you my sweet lulu. You are beautiful'. To my biggest fan and most prized earthly treasure, Gloria Timberlake O'Dell.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
my sweet
The most precious human being turned 81 years old on this beautiful crisp Sunday. My grandmother, Memaw, has one of the biggest hearts of love. Love that seems to only deepen each day. Always asking me, 'Hello sweet, how are you today?' A simple women, filled with the love of Christ and always ready to empty herself for others. An intelligent woman, bright and full of vigor. Her intelligence, more so wisdom, streams off the pages of the Book. She has read and studied this Book for years and still discovers new beauties of her Father. Not a time passes where I fail to hear her mention the Word. She is strong, stubborn, and bold, yet soft and gentle. My encourager, and the woman who taught me how to act like a princess of the King. She says it best, 'I love you my sweet lulu. You are beautiful'. To my biggest fan and most prized earthly treasure, Gloria Timberlake O'Dell.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
[insert inspirational title]
One of the most beautiful works of God is how he gently strips away the layers of pride, of hurt, of loneliness, bitterness, of hard heartedness, doubt, fill in the blank. It is nothing but a breathtaking picture of the sacrifice and sanctity of Christ. But it hurts. It hurts to recognize how much of you is not of Him. And I know that I convince myself that it's okay because of things that have happened to me in the past. I tend to justify an attitude of the world, or an action made with no love.
I often see myself in the stainless white clothes that He so generously places upon my filthy shoulders. But then I remember, how tainted I was before. It is just a really difficult concept for me to grasp; that a Savior could bear to love such a blemished human. It's been weighing on me for sometime now. And because I have struggled to accept it, I've then struggled to give the same love to others. I wish I could consistently let go of my stubborn self, and just drench my thirsty heart in the love of Christ. Key word, consistently. I have horrible habits of making 'one time' submissions, or 'one time' confessions, etc.. I suppose an excuse I use in hopes to make myself feel better, is the excuse that I had to grow up. I had no choice, I just had to grow up. And much quicker than I would have liked. I was thrown into the real world and because of that, my independence that I so proudly held became a sin. I didn't need anyone's help, I could do it on my own. I was strong enough, I could carry it. That's another layer He is removing. And it is painful.
And then there's grace. The undeserved gift, abounding in every direction, in it's purest form.
I will always have a constant emotional or physical reminder of my inadequacy. But those scars, wherever they are, to their deepest core or surfaced appearance are proof that He loves me. He loves me enough to wash me new every morning. To saturate me in His grace. To envelope me in His love. Something that I see, as a blessing that my mind cannot comprehend the vast love that He has for me.
that's just for now...
I often see myself in the stainless white clothes that He so generously places upon my filthy shoulders. But then I remember, how tainted I was before. It is just a really difficult concept for me to grasp; that a Savior could bear to love such a blemished human. It's been weighing on me for sometime now. And because I have struggled to accept it, I've then struggled to give the same love to others. I wish I could consistently let go of my stubborn self, and just drench my thirsty heart in the love of Christ. Key word, consistently. I have horrible habits of making 'one time' submissions, or 'one time' confessions, etc.. I suppose an excuse I use in hopes to make myself feel better, is the excuse that I had to grow up. I had no choice, I just had to grow up. And much quicker than I would have liked. I was thrown into the real world and because of that, my independence that I so proudly held became a sin. I didn't need anyone's help, I could do it on my own. I was strong enough, I could carry it. That's another layer He is removing. And it is painful.
And then there's grace. The undeserved gift, abounding in every direction, in it's purest form.
I will always have a constant emotional or physical reminder of my inadequacy. But those scars, wherever they are, to their deepest core or surfaced appearance are proof that He loves me. He loves me enough to wash me new every morning. To saturate me in His grace. To envelope me in His love. Something that I see, as a blessing that my mind cannot comprehend the vast love that He has for me.
that's just for now...
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Back to the Basics
Letting you read this scares me.
I have been in a battle for a long time. Fighting against, loneliness. From just a friend, to that significant other that most humans long for. In my little circle of friends, seems as though everyone has a significant other and is either dating or on their way to marriage. And lately, my thought process has been strategic. Thoughts of who could be there, what to wear, blah blah blah. I hate it. Because after my high school relationship ended, I felt a tremendous peace about being single. And that peace extended for a long time. But it has slowly deteriorated. I had a really awesome conversation with God a week or so ago. We talked about this and my concern of how I will know when it's okay to date. Because I had to re-learn what it looked like for God to guard my heart. Not only that, but I also had to desire that, and then do my part. So it's been like a vault. No one in, just not even going to go there, because it scared me. I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and I believed that that was to be single. As more than a year passed, I became really confused on how I was supposed to know if I was ready to date. If God even wanted me to date. It truly got to the point of my motives being distracted.
A few days later, I had another conversation with the Big Guy upstairs. The solution: God will not bless me with anything unless I desire Him. I was content being single because I was joyful in God, desiring Him, and loving the ride. That content drifted away when I drifted away from God. From spending time with Him, talking with Him. That excitement of being able to talk with the Creator of the universe got highly inconsistent.
Such a simple reminder, and I am still learning. A basic concept, and I always need to be reminded. I love that feeling when you hit this point of revelation and it seems as though all the worries and concerns that consumed your thoughts have vanquished into thin air.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4
I have been in a battle for a long time. Fighting against, loneliness. From just a friend, to that significant other that most humans long for. In my little circle of friends, seems as though everyone has a significant other and is either dating or on their way to marriage. And lately, my thought process has been strategic. Thoughts of who could be there, what to wear, blah blah blah. I hate it. Because after my high school relationship ended, I felt a tremendous peace about being single. And that peace extended for a long time. But it has slowly deteriorated. I had a really awesome conversation with God a week or so ago. We talked about this and my concern of how I will know when it's okay to date. Because I had to re-learn what it looked like for God to guard my heart. Not only that, but I also had to desire that, and then do my part. So it's been like a vault. No one in, just not even going to go there, because it scared me. I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and I believed that that was to be single. As more than a year passed, I became really confused on how I was supposed to know if I was ready to date. If God even wanted me to date. It truly got to the point of my motives being distracted.
A few days later, I had another conversation with the Big Guy upstairs. The solution: God will not bless me with anything unless I desire Him. I was content being single because I was joyful in God, desiring Him, and loving the ride. That content drifted away when I drifted away from God. From spending time with Him, talking with Him. That excitement of being able to talk with the Creator of the universe got highly inconsistent.
Such a simple reminder, and I am still learning. A basic concept, and I always need to be reminded. I love that feeling when you hit this point of revelation and it seems as though all the worries and concerns that consumed your thoughts have vanquished into thin air.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4
Sunday, October 10, 2010
over-the-hill is not really over
So, I completed the 40 day fast last Sunday. Am I supposed to feel accomplished or proud? Because if so I must have done something wrong. You know, I wish I could tell you that God just really moved in these 40 days. And he did. Just not in the way some would expect. To be entirely honest, I did a poor poor job of making time to meet with Him. Not finding time with him. Because it's not about squeezing him into my 'chaotic' schedule. I identified early that I just was not seeking him as earnestly as I ought to, that I pretty much wasn't meeting Him half-way. You know what I did? I prayed and talked about it, but took no action. I was so caught up in doing this fast perfectly that I made it my priority. I placed God on the back-burner. And I am ashamed. Completely ashamed. These 40 days were not about doing the fast.Yes, I made this commitment with God and I did my absolute best to honor it. But in the midst of the fast, it was as if God just kind of went, "hello! are you even looking for me? I'm waiting for you, where are you?" And that's the part where you're heart sinks and you turn your face in hopes of avoiding the wide-eyes of the one who said, 'I'm waiting for you.' That's how I felt. So, I did this fast. I never wanted this fast to an attempt for vanity and I pray that it wasn't.This does nothing to my 'spiritual/religious status'. Nor would I want it to. It is an intimacy with Christ that is absolutely refreshing. It only brought on the realization that I don't do it as often as I should. In Matthew 6, it says 'When you fast..' not if you get around to it, if you choose to fast, but WHEN. It is an act of obedience, a step of action to pursue Christ, pursue holiness, pursue righteousness.
Friday, September 24, 2010
untitled
I found that once in a routine, you truly find what you value in life. For me, it was work. Not an occupation to make money, or status, or success. I need to be on the field. I was caught off guard when I came back to America. I had a lot of things to do, people to meet with, classes to sign up for, the list goes on and on. But now that I'm in somewhat of a routine, I am greatly missing it. I find myself getting lost in the thought that I just have to be somewhere else.
This may be a selfish thought, but when people ask me how the summer went, sometimes I just want to tell them how hard it was. How I have never been immersed in a society that felt such loneliness, that I constantly pray for the students and families that I've encountered. That I have to relinquish my love for them to God. It was not easy. In fact, I can say in my 20 years of living, that it has probably been one of the most, if not the most, difficult three months of my life. I wish I could let those, who asked out of courtesy, step in and see the pain in some of these lives. What's odd is that, the emotions were unending. People who honesty walked around emotionless, bared so much. I don't know how to explain it.
As hard as it is, it is also dangerously intriguing. I couldn't help but pass someone and wonder what has happened in their life. Or even go as much as analyzing. Not in a judgmental way, but just out of pure curiosity. Curiosity that streams from this emptiness that seems to be inescapable. Then, I go back to when I felt lonely, empty, hollow. And at my deepest point, I wondered if it is even near to how they felt.
After moments of secretly peering through a stranger's eyes, my immediate reaction is, that I have to help them. Whatever that looks like. I know that my hands are worthless, but with everything that I have, I desire to help; to be a conduit. I cannot get the faces that I passed, the conversations that I had, or just the ground that I walked on out of my head. It is like an movie on replay. No title, never skipping, a pause button does not exist, and the ending has yet to be written.
So, I leave with this thought. What is the ending? The next scene? I'm not the writer, I'm simply an extra. How do I help, allow myself to be used as that conduit, an ocean away?
This may be a selfish thought, but when people ask me how the summer went, sometimes I just want to tell them how hard it was. How I have never been immersed in a society that felt such loneliness, that I constantly pray for the students and families that I've encountered. That I have to relinquish my love for them to God. It was not easy. In fact, I can say in my 20 years of living, that it has probably been one of the most, if not the most, difficult three months of my life. I wish I could let those, who asked out of courtesy, step in and see the pain in some of these lives. What's odd is that, the emotions were unending. People who honesty walked around emotionless, bared so much. I don't know how to explain it.
As hard as it is, it is also dangerously intriguing. I couldn't help but pass someone and wonder what has happened in their life. Or even go as much as analyzing. Not in a judgmental way, but just out of pure curiosity. Curiosity that streams from this emptiness that seems to be inescapable. Then, I go back to when I felt lonely, empty, hollow. And at my deepest point, I wondered if it is even near to how they felt.
After moments of secretly peering through a stranger's eyes, my immediate reaction is, that I have to help them. Whatever that looks like. I know that my hands are worthless, but with everything that I have, I desire to help; to be a conduit. I cannot get the faces that I passed, the conversations that I had, or just the ground that I walked on out of my head. It is like an movie on replay. No title, never skipping, a pause button does not exist, and the ending has yet to be written.
So, I leave with this thought. What is the ending? The next scene? I'm not the writer, I'm simply an extra. How do I help, allow myself to be used as that conduit, an ocean away?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
40 Days
I have been challenged to go on a fast for the next 40 days. Fasting from whatever the Lord presses on my heart. I have never attempted a fast for this amount of time. But I feel so convicted to proceed with the 'Daniel Fast' and a total media fast. In the Daniel Fast, I will be only eating fruits, veggies, and beans. For the next 40 days. In the media fast, I will be ridding my life of all secular music, movies, t.v shows and whatever else. So I am humbly begging you to pray for strength. This is a time for me to reflect and remember His Kingdom. Remember how it is not of this earth, but it is our duty to show the Kingdom in my day to day life. So pray that I will have an abundance of grace and let my soul, my hunger, my desire be filled by the only One who can suffice. So here we go. 40 days.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
No Words
Lord, please give me the words. I have sat and thought for past two weeks about how I could possibly share this experience with you. I am truly having difficulty finding the words. So, as I begin to write, I pray that my words are stripped and that you only hear of the power of Christ through this.
Here it is. This is it. My heart aches at the thought of going back. I have fallen completely in love with this ministry; completely in love with this continent. I prepared myself to feel a sense of brokenness for a country, but I didn’t expect to be broken for an entire continent. This work, this journey has been everything I didn’t expect.
I am more than thankful for what God has done in this place, in my heart, in this generation. It is something completely indescribable, but something so very powerful. I wish I could give you a glimpse of what has happened over the past two and a half months. I apologize as I try to paint the picture, but trust me; it still does this no justice.
As I begin processing what just happened, I have felt an overwhelming weight on my shoulders; a weight for this continent, for the youth, for the church. I have found that this is what I will call my ‘holy discontent’. Let me try to explain. This holy discontent stirs inside of me. It is an emotion that cannot be contained, it is physically impossible for me to sit on the side lines. It is spiritually impossible for me to watch from across an ocean. It is something that burdens me to my deepest inner core. And I simply cannot ignore it. Nor do I wish I could. It is a burning desire for these people to experience the love of God; a desire that ignites my being. Let me challenge you, what is your holy discontent?
It is an invigorating feeling when God’s desire is placed in your heart; even more, when that desire is so clearly seen. This is his plan, not mine. I am thankful that God has given me a great peace about returning. Peace, yet also excitement in what is next. A lot has been revealed to me and I am so excited to see where I am lead next. So, this is my confident prayer for this continent:
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break froth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the LORD, and everlasting sign that shall not be cut off” Isaiah 55:10-13
So as this chapter winds down, a new one begins. I wish I could give detailed explanations of what the Lord did over the past few months.
So, I will continue to update you on what the Lord is pressing on my heart as well as share with you some of the most incredible stories in my life and stories of some beautiful people. For now, here are some prayer requests:
Pray against apathy and complacency.
Pray for strength, as I am already experiencing spiritual warfare back in America
Pray for wisdom and guidance as I follow the Lord in what discipleship looks like.
Pray that it would be a smooth transition; having this ministry here, while picking up the one back in Arkansas.
Pray that the lessons the Lord has taught me here will be applied and remembered.
Pray that I continue to further the areas into which He graciously filled me.
Pray for the church in Rijeka, Croatia.
Pray for clarity for what I am supposed to do next.
Pray for the students; that they remember the feeling they had at camp isn’t just available at camp, or available through Americans. Pray that they might see it as something new, redeeming, and loving. Pray that God provides someone to follow up with those who have something stirring inside of their hearts.
Pray for the believers there; that they might be encouraged in a desolate society.
Excerpts from Psalm 119 are a good picture of my thoughts, my hearts desire. Please lift this up as a prayer:
27”Make me understand the way of your precepts, and I will meditate on your wondrous works.”
33-36”Teach me, O Lord, the way of your statues; and I will keep it to the end. Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain!”
112 ”I incline my heart to perform your statues forever, to the end.”
123-125”My eyes long for your salvation and for the fulfillment of your righteous promise. Deal with your servant according to your steadfast love, and teach me your statues. I am your servant; give me understanding, that I may know your testimonies!”
175 “Let my soul live and praise you…”
I feel so prompted to share some scripture with you all; scripture that sums up these past months, my heart, the heart of the students, and the might of our God. Soak it in.
“Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously; let this be made known in all the earth” Isaiah 12:5
“I saw the Lord always before me, for he sat at my right hand that I might not be shaken; therefore my heart was glad, and my tongue rejoiced; my flesh also will dwell in hope” Act 2:25-26
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ
“As it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death” Phil 1:20
"The heavens declare the glory of God..." Ps 19:1
“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you” Ps 63:3
"There is none holy like the LORD; there is none besides you; there is(B) no rock like our God.: 1 Samuel 2:2
“The Spirit and the Bride say, ‘Come’. And let the one who hears say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who is thirty come; let the one who desires take the what of life without price” Revelation 22:17
“But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.” Jude 1:20-21
“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap” Galatians 6:9
“And around the throne, on each side of the throne, are four living creatures, full of eyes in front and behind: the first living creature like a lion, the second living creature like an ox, the third living creature with the face of a man, and the fourth living creature like an eagle in flight. And the four living creatures, each of them with six wings, are full of eyes all around and within, and day and night they never cease to say,
‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God
Almighty,
Who was and is and is to come!”
They cast their crowns before the throne, saying,
‘Worthy are you, our Lord and God
To receive the glory and honor and power,
For you created all things
And by your will they existed and were created’
To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!” Revelation 4:6-8,11,13
Here it is. This is it. My heart aches at the thought of going back. I have fallen completely in love with this ministry; completely in love with this continent. I prepared myself to feel a sense of brokenness for a country, but I didn’t expect to be broken for an entire continent. This work, this journey has been everything I didn’t expect.
I am more than thankful for what God has done in this place, in my heart, in this generation. It is something completely indescribable, but something so very powerful. I wish I could give you a glimpse of what has happened over the past two and a half months. I apologize as I try to paint the picture, but trust me; it still does this no justice.
As I begin processing what just happened, I have felt an overwhelming weight on my shoulders; a weight for this continent, for the youth, for the church. I have found that this is what I will call my ‘holy discontent’. Let me try to explain. This holy discontent stirs inside of me. It is an emotion that cannot be contained, it is physically impossible for me to sit on the side lines. It is spiritually impossible for me to watch from across an ocean. It is something that burdens me to my deepest inner core. And I simply cannot ignore it. Nor do I wish I could. It is a burning desire for these people to experience the love of God; a desire that ignites my being. Let me challenge you, what is your holy discontent?
It is an invigorating feeling when God’s desire is placed in your heart; even more, when that desire is so clearly seen. This is his plan, not mine. I am thankful that God has given me a great peace about returning. Peace, yet also excitement in what is next. A lot has been revealed to me and I am so excited to see where I am lead next. So, this is my confident prayer for this continent:
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break froth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the LORD, and everlasting sign that shall not be cut off” Isaiah 55:10-13
So as this chapter winds down, a new one begins. I wish I could give detailed explanations of what the Lord did over the past few months.
So, I will continue to update you on what the Lord is pressing on my heart as well as share with you some of the most incredible stories in my life and stories of some beautiful people. For now, here are some prayer requests:
Pray against apathy and complacency.
Pray for strength, as I am already experiencing spiritual warfare back in America
Pray for wisdom and guidance as I follow the Lord in what discipleship looks like.
Pray that it would be a smooth transition; having this ministry here, while picking up the one back in Arkansas.
Pray that the lessons the Lord has taught me here will be applied and remembered.
Pray that I continue to further the areas into which He graciously filled me.
Pray for the church in Rijeka, Croatia.
Pray for clarity for what I am supposed to do next.
Pray for the students; that they remember the feeling they had at camp isn’t just available at camp, or available through Americans. Pray that they might see it as something new, redeeming, and loving. Pray that God provides someone to follow up with those who have something stirring inside of their hearts.
Pray for the believers there; that they might be encouraged in a desolate society.
Excerpts from Psalm 119 are a good picture of my thoughts, my hearts desire. Please lift this up as a prayer:
27”Make me understand the way of your precepts, and I will meditate on your wondrous works.”
33-36”Teach me, O Lord, the way of your statues; and I will keep it to the end. Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain!”
112 ”I incline my heart to perform your statues forever, to the end.”
123-125”My eyes long for your salvation and for the fulfillment of your righteous promise. Deal with your servant according to your steadfast love, and teach me your statues. I am your servant; give me understanding, that I may know your testimonies!”
175 “Let my soul live and praise you…”
I feel so prompted to share some scripture with you all; scripture that sums up these past months, my heart, the heart of the students, and the might of our God. Soak it in.
“Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously; let this be made known in all the earth” Isaiah 12:5
“I saw the Lord always before me, for he sat at my right hand that I might not be shaken; therefore my heart was glad, and my tongue rejoiced; my flesh also will dwell in hope” Act 2:25-26
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ
“As it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death” Phil 1:20
"The heavens declare the glory of God..." Ps 19:1
“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you” Ps 63:3
"There is none holy like the LORD; there is none besides you; there is(B) no rock like our God.: 1 Samuel 2:2
“The Spirit and the Bride say, ‘Come’. And let the one who hears say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who is thirty come; let the one who desires take the what of life without price” Revelation 22:17
“But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.” Jude 1:20-21
“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap” Galatians 6:9
“And around the throne, on each side of the throne, are four living creatures, full of eyes in front and behind: the first living creature like a lion, the second living creature like an ox, the third living creature with the face of a man, and the fourth living creature like an eagle in flight. And the four living creatures, each of them with six wings, are full of eyes all around and within, and day and night they never cease to say,
‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God
Almighty,
Who was and is and is to come!”
They cast their crowns before the throne, saying,
‘Worthy are you, our Lord and God
To receive the glory and honor and power,
For you created all things
And by your will they existed and were created’
To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!” Revelation 4:6-8,11,13
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