Hello Pride

I am a horrible receiver, a prideful person, struggling to accept everything from love, support, to just help. The irony is that I love to serve people; I love to give in whatever way that looks like. I truly find joy in it. But when others turn and try to bless me, I get uncomfortable. I don’t want to accept it; I want that person to use it for someone/something else. How hypocritical, how prideful am I? As a friend put it, “that seems like a slap in the face to the Holy Spirit.” Yep. As much as I want to deny that I have not been doing that, I know good and well that a pure blessing is from the Father; no human can grant that. So, when my heart refuses or struggles to receive anything, I’m struggling to receive from Him. I suppose I don’t have a good grasp on what it looks like to be blessed by others. To me, the worst part about this is that I know the root of it. I know the source, pride. But the fix is what kills me. Humility has to be one of the most difficult redemptive characteristics. -Thank you Father for desiring to mold me- Because it strips you of who you are to this world, who you are to others. The result: dirt, cleansed away and the pureness of Christ manifested in my heart.

Thinking about it, I used to only tag this whole receiving thing with gifts. But now, it’s like everything falls underneath it. And it makes sense. It makes sense why it’s hard for me to accept every little stinking thing. Pride.

Jesus, just please, gently or painfully, however. Strip away these layers of pride.

nodnaba

"The call to abandon the attachments of this world" -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

As I read this and then began to evaluate my life, things that I never viewed as attachments quickly became things that would cause me to think twice, or things or people I would miss. I didn't expect the 'attachments of this world' to be a family that is already broken, or the comfort of a familiar place, a language that I understand, unique friendships…

I never considered myself scared to live a radical life. If I was afraid of anything, it was the repercussions of relationships with specific people in my life; of their thoughts, of so-called 'bonds' being broken. It has never provoked me to make a wrong decision concerning the furtherance of the gospel, but it has caused me to think twice. Because, even though most of these [to love the least of these- oh how I desperately need Jesus for this] do not know the Father, I still feel a need to please them [is this making sense?] So, it strikes me that while dissecting my life and what I would consider to be an attachment of this world-some of my answers have been some of my most difficult times. Is it possible that I haven’t accepted that the Father is bigger, that His name is more urgent than to mend an earthly tie? But the world, even the some in the church, would direct me to pursue to fix this before going to live a radical life. So this begs the question in my mind “Is it ok to leave something that I desire to be healed, and instead to just go? Go as I am lead. Do as I am directed. All for the sake of Christ’s name.” Because at the end of this, it is not myself, or those who I come in contact with that should be a hindering factor in my submission to the Father. But that’s a fine line to walk on; trying to be respectful and honoring those here, while desperately seeking and physically following the Spirit.

“Jesus is no longer one to be accepted or invited in but one who is infinitely worthy of our immediate and total surrender.” David Platt “Radical”

Clinching my hands as I beg to serve Him.

my sweet

The most precious human being turned 81 years old on this beautiful crisp Sunday. My grandmother, Memaw, has one of the biggest hearts of love. Love that seems to only deepen each day. Always asking me, 'Hello sweet, how are you today?' A simple women, filled with the love of Christ and always ready to empty herself for others. An intelligent woman, bright and full of vigor. Her intelligence, more so wisdom, streams off the pages of the Book. She has read and studied this Book for years and still discovers new beauties of her Father. Not a time passes where I fail to hear her mention the Word. She is strong, stubborn, and bold, yet soft and gentle. My encourager, and the woman who taught me how to act like a princess of the King. She says it best, 'I love you my sweet lulu. You are beautiful'. To my biggest fan and most prized earthly treasure, Gloria Timberlake O'Dell.

[insert inspirational title]

One of the most beautiful works of God is how he gently strips away the layers of pride, of hurt, of loneliness, bitterness, of hard heartedness, doubt, fill in the blank. It is nothing but a breathtaking picture of the sacrifice and sanctity of Christ. But it hurts. It hurts to recognize how much of you is not of Him. And I know that I convince myself that it's okay because of things that have happened to me in the past. I tend to justify an attitude of the world, or an action made with no love.
I often see myself in the stainless white clothes that He so generously places upon my filthy shoulders. But then I remember, how tainted I was before. It is just a really difficult concept for me to grasp; that a Savior could bear to love such a blemished human. It's been weighing on me for sometime now. And because I have struggled to accept it, I've then struggled to give the same love to others. I wish I could consistently let go of my stubborn self, and just drench my thirsty heart in the love of Christ. Key word, consistently. I have horrible habits of making 'one time' submissions, or 'one time' confessions, etc.. I suppose an excuse I use in hopes to make myself feel better, is the excuse that I had to grow up. I had no choice, I just had to grow up. And much quicker than I would have liked. I was thrown into the real world and because of that, my independence that I so proudly held became a sin. I didn't need anyone's help, I could do it on my own. I was strong enough, I could carry it. That's another layer He is removing. And it is painful.
And then there's grace. The undeserved gift, abounding in every direction, in it's purest form.
I will always have a constant emotional or physical reminder of my inadequacy. But those scars, wherever they are, to their deepest core or surfaced appearance are proof that He loves me. He loves me enough to wash me new every morning. To saturate me in His grace. To envelope me in His love. Something that I see, as a blessing that my mind cannot comprehend the vast love that He has for me.
that's just for now...

Back to the Basics

Letting you read this scares me.
I have been in a battle for a long time. Fighting against, loneliness. From just a friend, to that significant other that most humans long for. In my little circle of friends, seems as though everyone has a significant other and is either dating or on their way to marriage. And lately, my thought process has been strategic. Thoughts of who could be there, what to wear, blah blah blah. I hate it. Because after my high school relationship ended, I felt a tremendous peace about being single. And that peace extended for a long time. But it has slowly deteriorated. I had a really awesome conversation with God a week or so ago. We talked about this and my concern of how I will know when it's okay to date. Because I had to re-learn what it looked like for God to guard my heart. Not only that, but I also had to desire that, and then do my part. So it's been like a vault. No one in, just not even going to go there, because it scared me. I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and I believed that that was to be single. As more than a year passed, I became really confused on how I was supposed to know if I was ready to date. If God even wanted me to date. It truly got to the point of my motives being distracted.
A few days later, I had another conversation with the Big Guy upstairs. The solution: God will not bless me with anything unless I desire Him. I was content being single because I was joyful in God, desiring Him, and loving the ride. That content drifted away when I drifted away from God. From spending time with Him, talking with Him. That excitement of being able to talk with the Creator of the universe got highly inconsistent.
Such a simple reminder, and I am still learning. A basic concept, and I always need to be reminded. I love that feeling when you hit this point of revelation and it seems as though all the worries and concerns that consumed your thoughts have vanquished into thin air.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4

over-the-hill is not really over

So, I completed the 40 day fast last Sunday. Am I supposed to feel accomplished or proud? Because if so I must have done something wrong. You know, I wish I could tell you that God just really moved in these 40 days. And he did. Just not in the way some would expect. To be entirely honest, I did a poor poor job of making time to meet with Him. Not finding time with him. Because it's not about squeezing him into my 'chaotic' schedule. I identified early that I just was not seeking him as earnestly as I ought to, that I pretty much wasn't meeting Him half-way. You know what I did? I prayed and talked about it, but took no action. I was so caught up in doing this fast perfectly that I made it my priority. I placed God on the back-burner. And I am ashamed. Completely ashamed. These 40 days were not about doing the fast.Yes, I made this commitment with God and I did my absolute best to honor it. But in the midst of the fast, it was as if God just kind of went, "hello! are you even looking for me? I'm waiting for you, where are you?" And that's the part where you're heart sinks and you turn your face in hopes of avoiding the wide-eyes of the one who said, 'I'm waiting for you.' That's how I felt. So, I did this fast. I never wanted this fast to an attempt for vanity and I pray that it wasn't.This does nothing to my 'spiritual/religious status'. Nor would I want it to. It is an intimacy with Christ that is absolutely refreshing. It only brought on the realization that I don't do it as often as I should. In Matthew 6, it says 'When you fast..' not if you get around to it, if you choose to fast, but WHEN. It is an act of obedience, a step of action to pursue Christ, pursue holiness, pursue righteousness.

untitled

I found that once in a routine, you truly find what you value in life. For me, it was work. Not an occupation to make money, or status, or success. I need to be on the field. I was caught off guard when I came back to America. I had a lot of things to do, people to meet with, classes to sign up for, the list goes on and on. But now that I'm in somewhat of a routine, I am greatly missing it. I find myself getting lost in the thought that I just have to be somewhere else.
This may be a selfish thought, but when people ask me how the summer went, sometimes I just want to tell them how hard it was. How I have never been immersed in a society that felt such loneliness, that I constantly pray for the students and families that I've encountered. That I have to relinquish my love for them to God. It was not easy. In fact, I can say in my 20 years of living, that it has probably been one of the most, if not the most, difficult three months of my life. I wish I could let those, who asked out of courtesy, step in and see the pain in some of these lives. What's odd is that, the emotions were unending. People who honesty walked around emotionless, bared so much. I don't know how to explain it.
As hard as it is, it is also dangerously intriguing. I couldn't help but pass someone and wonder what has happened in their life. Or even go as much as analyzing. Not in a judgmental way, but just out of pure curiosity. Curiosity that streams from this emptiness that seems to be inescapable. Then, I go back to when I felt lonely, empty, hollow. And at my deepest point, I wondered if it is even near to how they felt.
After moments of secretly peering through a stranger's eyes, my immediate reaction is, that I have to help them. Whatever that looks like. I know that my hands are worthless, but with everything that I have, I desire to help; to be a conduit. I cannot get the faces that I passed, the conversations that I had, or just the ground that I walked on out of my head. It is like an movie on replay. No title, never skipping, a pause button does not exist, and the ending has yet to be written.
So, I leave with this thought. What is the ending? The next scene? I'm not the writer, I'm simply an extra. How do I help, allow myself to be used as that conduit, an ocean away?