Back to the Basics

Letting you read this scares me.
I have been in a battle for a long time. Fighting against, loneliness. From just a friend, to that significant other that most humans long for. In my little circle of friends, seems as though everyone has a significant other and is either dating or on their way to marriage. And lately, my thought process has been strategic. Thoughts of who could be there, what to wear, blah blah blah. I hate it. Because after my high school relationship ended, I felt a tremendous peace about being single. And that peace extended for a long time. But it has slowly deteriorated. I had a really awesome conversation with God a week or so ago. We talked about this and my concern of how I will know when it's okay to date. Because I had to re-learn what it looked like for God to guard my heart. Not only that, but I also had to desire that, and then do my part. So it's been like a vault. No one in, just not even going to go there, because it scared me. I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and I believed that that was to be single. As more than a year passed, I became really confused on how I was supposed to know if I was ready to date. If God even wanted me to date. It truly got to the point of my motives being distracted.
A few days later, I had another conversation with the Big Guy upstairs. The solution: God will not bless me with anything unless I desire Him. I was content being single because I was joyful in God, desiring Him, and loving the ride. That content drifted away when I drifted away from God. From spending time with Him, talking with Him. That excitement of being able to talk with the Creator of the universe got highly inconsistent.
Such a simple reminder, and I am still learning. A basic concept, and I always need to be reminded. I love that feeling when you hit this point of revelation and it seems as though all the worries and concerns that consumed your thoughts have vanquished into thin air.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4

over-the-hill is not really over

So, I completed the 40 day fast last Sunday. Am I supposed to feel accomplished or proud? Because if so I must have done something wrong. You know, I wish I could tell you that God just really moved in these 40 days. And he did. Just not in the way some would expect. To be entirely honest, I did a poor poor job of making time to meet with Him. Not finding time with him. Because it's not about squeezing him into my 'chaotic' schedule. I identified early that I just was not seeking him as earnestly as I ought to, that I pretty much wasn't meeting Him half-way. You know what I did? I prayed and talked about it, but took no action. I was so caught up in doing this fast perfectly that I made it my priority. I placed God on the back-burner. And I am ashamed. Completely ashamed. These 40 days were not about doing the fast.Yes, I made this commitment with God and I did my absolute best to honor it. But in the midst of the fast, it was as if God just kind of went, "hello! are you even looking for me? I'm waiting for you, where are you?" And that's the part where you're heart sinks and you turn your face in hopes of avoiding the wide-eyes of the one who said, 'I'm waiting for you.' That's how I felt. So, I did this fast. I never wanted this fast to an attempt for vanity and I pray that it wasn't.This does nothing to my 'spiritual/religious status'. Nor would I want it to. It is an intimacy with Christ that is absolutely refreshing. It only brought on the realization that I don't do it as often as I should. In Matthew 6, it says 'When you fast..' not if you get around to it, if you choose to fast, but WHEN. It is an act of obedience, a step of action to pursue Christ, pursue holiness, pursue righteousness.