oh marriage.

I have questions about life, as most do. I have hesitations, doubts, frustrations, you name it. But I know that those emotions are a result of my lack of trust, my lack of surrender, my prideful will over-shadowing His. Father, ignite and fuel my faith! 

The biggest and most reoccurring thought lately (and for a few years now) has been...dun dun dun! Marriage. Oh marriage.
I so easily let that desire of marriage-of companionship-of my adventure partner-become a thought of something I 'need' that trumps the unrelenting love and satisfaction of Jesus. Why would anything be given to me if I desire it more than I desire Jesus?

The more I think and hope for that unity, a family, even if I am to justify it with Christ-centeredness, the more I hope for that instead of just simply, Him. If I desire and choose to deny myself daily and take up my cross (Luke 9:23),  then I have to do so. I have to deny my wants, my desires, my longings, and dreams. Laying them at the altar in an effort to say, "Jesus, take them. I submit. I say 'no' to my will and joyfully, radically, and obediently choose Yours".

I am learning that if God wants me to marry someone, then our desires must be in sync with Christ's; our passion for the Kingdom must always come before our passion for one another. And if He desires for me to marry someone, it will happen! In His perfect timing, in His perfect way. The part where I mess up is during the waiting period-dating, marriage, life. I can either continually submit to the life plan that God has for me, or I can make it harder on myself and let disappointment and doubt sneak back in. He must always be first, and must always be implicitly trusted.

When I collide with this realization of utter surrender, I know I often expect something in return..as if I've done something to even deserve that. I have to surrender. I have to let go. With no expectations. 

To not only lay it at the altar, but to also leave it at the altar. 
Leaving everything I am, everything I have at the righteous feet of Jesus...because He is enough.

i am a mess

Long time no post, right? I've determined I'm more likely to write when I truly feel that I am doing what God has for me. Which is a stupid statement in and of itself because of many things: A.) my agenda, no matter how much I try, will never trump God's planned trajectory of my life 2.) it's a reflection of my selfishness to assume that what's before me, where my current 'home' is, what activities/responsibilities that fill up my days are not strategically implemented by the God of the universe--who is the same God who has mapped out my life. So, it’s a stupid statement, agreed? Agreed. But it's true! I willingly, and sometimes grudgingly, share my heart here (and with others) so much more joyfully and readily when the puzzle pieces of life are fitting together—in my eyes. Lawd I am a mess.

One of the biggest lessons God has been teaching me lately is the outrageous importance of both being in the Word, and committing it to heart, not just memory. However, being in the Word is hard for me! It's way easier for me to read an encouraging or challenging theologically based book than to open the very words of God (hence, pride problem). But I am SO thankful that GOD, not me or my church or a friend, but God has placed a desire and an acknowledgment of how vital it is for me to be in the Word. And not just the passages or books of the Bible that are favored, because it makes us 'feel good'. NO. The Word of God, in its entirety. It is all so deeply important for me, for us. If I truly long to know the God of the universe, the Creator, my Shepherd, my Father, I too should long to read His Word.

I have never honestly been able to admit to my 'bad days' that are often excused because I, "didn't get enough sleep", "have been working a lot", "don't feel good", etc. When really, they are all because my flesh is smothering Christ in me, and I'm letting it! I am choosing to sleep in when I should wake up and immediately begin my day with Him. I am choosing to watch TV instead of talk with my Savior. I am choosing to let my mind and body be filled with the endless junk this world offers, instead of accepting the refining firing through the sanctification that Jesus joyfully offers. It's ridiculous really. I am...an idiot. 

But, even in my infinite times of stupidity, God is faithful to remind me of my utter depravity without Him. That's why being in the Word has been so refreshing. To understand that my bad days are simply because I have yet to spend time with Him. To know that He pursues me, aggressively, even when I run the other way. 

I guess I'll stick with my theme of 'Lauren is a mess'.

I wish learning, or rather re-learning, the foundational truths of my relationship with God were not so popular in my life. I should get it by now…most things at least. But I forget, I doubt, I fear...and then I remember I need Jesus. I was flipping through the Psalms and chapters 25-34 were just like light bulb after light bulb. I want nothing more than to know what God has for me and do what God has for me. That's it. And I frequently hear my flesh saying that where I am, what I'm doing at this very moment with my life does not fit into what God has for me. So, that leads to further doubt, frustration, confusion, and a number of other gross emotions-all of which are me me me and not the slightest Jesus. Hey-oh pride! 

I want to "wait all the day long" for my God [Psalm 25:5], "all the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness" [Psalm 25:10]-I want that faith! I want to have the "steadfast love" before my eyes and I want to "walk in your faithfulness" [Psalm 26:3]. I want to yearn for the presence of God, to ache and "love the habitation of your house and the place where your glory dwells" [Psalm 26:8]. I want a heart that willingly offers sacrifices with joyful songs, only because He is worth it [Psalm 27:6]. I want my life to sing praises to a worthy God, a faithful and deserving Father. I want to see, believe, accept, and praise my God who abundantly offers steadfast love to me [Psalm 30-32]. I want to faithfully walk in confidence, knowing that waiting on the Lord is for my good, that His instructions are always right, and always always for my good [Psalm 31:19, Psalm 32:8]. I want to "bless the Lord at all times" [Psalm 34:1]. 

For whatever reason, when I am reminded of my selfishness-my brokenness-my absolute need for Jesus, I sometimes prefer guilt over sanctification. Maybe it's because the guilt is easier than the refining fire that just hurts. It hurts to see things about yourself that you've not seen before or maybe that you've seen too many times! It hurts to remember how human you are, when you think you're actually doing okay in life. It just hurts. But I want to always want the refining fire. Father, give me a heart that desires the refinement of your hands.

In this mess of a 'post' if that's what you can even call it, I am learning my heart needs Jesus. So badly. And in my constant need of Jesus, I learn that His Word is precious, that there are so many nooks and crannies in me that need to be cleaned out and replaced with the holiness of the Savior, that I will never know enough about my God, and that in the mess of what is Lauren, He still chooses to love me. To faithfully love me and to instruct me for my good. I am blown away. Thank you Jesus.