Because He is worthy.

Because He is worthy.

Friday night I stepped back into reality. After spending a week in the thick interior of the Amazon jungle (Suriname, South America), my mind is racing. I wasn’t sure what to expect upon arrival, wasn’t sure how to prepare myself, how to prepare my heart. Honestly, my only form of preparation, of defense, was prayer. I have never found myself woken up so many times throughout the night to simply, pray. This past week I restlessly woke up in the middle of the night. I allowed my body to sink deeper into my hammock when all I could do is pray. Pray for the people I had encountered and would encounter, pray for the people back home, for my heart, for this ministry, pray. I didn’t know what else to do. In those moments of head on collisions with the heart of God, my spirit broke.

It broke because I had narrowed what God has for me. When I found a place and a ministry that I was comfortable in, that I believed God had specifically for me, I stayed just there. That was the problem; that is when my heart broke. I realized that I had chosen to settle. I was active about furthering this ministry; active about seeking after ways to serve in this ministry. But I was stagnant and swiftly passed places where God is allowing me to serve. Because I thought I found my ‘nitch’ and that’s where I was going to stay. I thought He had equipped me for that one ministry, that one place. That’s it.

The Beauty: I found myself attentively and desperately listening to the Spirit softly whisper promises of being fully and perfectly equipped (which in case you weren’t aware, is totally mind-blowing) to be anywhere and to serve anyone. Anywhere, to anyone. To everyone.

My spirit also broke because I so desperately want to serve Him; to the point where the urgency of Christ’s name is now the beating rhythm of my heart.

My heart resonates with praises of the unknown, but my human thinking cries impatiently for answers. Though I do feel like my life has been mountains of uncertainty, one thing that is certain is the sovereignty of God, of His perfect and complete will. It is in that that I submit my entire being. To that, I fully trust. Yes, moments of doubt are inevitable, yes this may seem extreme, but I’ll do it. And I’ll do it with everything that is within me. Because He is worthy.

“Worthy are You, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created” Revelation 4:11

“Every place that the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given to you, just as I promised to Moses.” Joshua 1:3

Am I the only one who struggles to remember this promise? When I doubt, when I’m lonely [which I should look at loneliness with God’s purpose of preparation, then it’s not so lonely; it’s a good struggle], when I’m suffering [though no amount of suffering I endure is even comparable to the amount Christ suffered], when I’m restless, and broken. All of it has been given to me GIVEN. An opportunity to suffer for the name of Christ. Yet, my human flesh becomes weak and burdened and I slip into the world’s acceptable response of, “this is too hard for me”. But because I am HIS, “he will guard the feet of his faithful ones” (1 Samuel 2:9).

I’m in this strange place of emotions. Weeping for the desperation of this world to know a Savior, and hurting because of this world. I can’t stay in the middle. I can’t walk this line. Because when I walk this fine line, I reject so much of His sovereignty. I begin to rely on material things, nuclear friends and family, daily routines. I’m not asking the Father to interrupt my life. And, I believe that I should be praying that; earnestly begging God to the point where my soul groans (Romans 8:26) to do His will. His interruptions are perfect, divine, and priceless. And he is worthy of my response.

Consider interruptions to be trials, sufferings, hardships, fill in the blank. What if I saw and accepted every straining moment of my life to be a divine interruption interceded by the Spirit of God, my Creator? Then, could I praise Him in response? Could I acknowledge His sovereignty more readily? What if life’s interruptions were viewed as a key to heaven? And that key was accessible to me-an insect, a passer-by, a student, a human. Human, having the nature of man. Not of God, not of divinity, not of holiness. Of filth, of superficial ideals, of sin. And I have way in to eternity? It is given to me. Mind blowing.

“I delight to do your will, O my God..” Psalm 40:8

enough

If I were to be remembered for anything, I would want to be remembered for being a lover. An easy lover. I want to relentlessly love my Father. I want to relentlessly love others because of my Father. I want to love with no reservations, because Christ had none on me. Though I am broken, though I am restless, though I am sinful, I am His. How breathtaking is the Father’s love for me? For us. And how dare I try and shorten the arm of God by ‘finding it hard to love someone’.

God, You love for me-a stained creature. An insect to this inadequate world. But You love me. Regardless of my faults, of my sins that I’ve committed, that I’m thinking about committing, and that I am committing. You love me. Jesus, use me. Love your people through me. Teach me how to love in a way that can only be described by You, because God then, You are glorified. Then, You are magnified, You are seen, You are enough. I simply cannot love through You, unless I fully overwhelm myself in Your FREE and ABUNDANT love. You are enough! I need nothing else. I want nothing else, but You. Sweet Jesus, teach me.