The most precious human being turned 81 years old on this beautiful crisp Sunday. My grandmother, Memaw, has one of the biggest hearts of love. Love that seems to only deepen each day. Always asking me, 'Hello sweet, how are you today?' A simple women, filled with the love of Christ and always ready to empty herself for others. An intelligent woman, bright and full of vigor. Her intelligence, more so wisdom, streams off the pages of the Book. She has read and studied this Book for years and still discovers new beauties of her Father. Not a time passes where I fail to hear her mention the Word. She is strong, stubborn, and bold, yet soft and gentle. My encourager, and the woman who taught me how to act like a princess of the King. She says it best, 'I love you my sweet lulu. You are beautiful'. To my biggest fan and most prized earthly treasure, Gloria Timberlake O'Dell.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
my sweet
The most precious human being turned 81 years old on this beautiful crisp Sunday. My grandmother, Memaw, has one of the biggest hearts of love. Love that seems to only deepen each day. Always asking me, 'Hello sweet, how are you today?' A simple women, filled with the love of Christ and always ready to empty herself for others. An intelligent woman, bright and full of vigor. Her intelligence, more so wisdom, streams off the pages of the Book. She has read and studied this Book for years and still discovers new beauties of her Father. Not a time passes where I fail to hear her mention the Word. She is strong, stubborn, and bold, yet soft and gentle. My encourager, and the woman who taught me how to act like a princess of the King. She says it best, 'I love you my sweet lulu. You are beautiful'. To my biggest fan and most prized earthly treasure, Gloria Timberlake O'Dell.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
[insert inspirational title]
One of the most beautiful works of God is how he gently strips away the layers of pride, of hurt, of loneliness, bitterness, of hard heartedness, doubt, fill in the blank. It is nothing but a breathtaking picture of the sacrifice and sanctity of Christ. But it hurts. It hurts to recognize how much of you is not of Him. And I know that I convince myself that it's okay because of things that have happened to me in the past. I tend to justify an attitude of the world, or an action made with no love.
I often see myself in the stainless white clothes that He so generously places upon my filthy shoulders. But then I remember, how tainted I was before. It is just a really difficult concept for me to grasp; that a Savior could bear to love such a blemished human. It's been weighing on me for sometime now. And because I have struggled to accept it, I've then struggled to give the same love to others. I wish I could consistently let go of my stubborn self, and just drench my thirsty heart in the love of Christ. Key word, consistently. I have horrible habits of making 'one time' submissions, or 'one time' confessions, etc.. I suppose an excuse I use in hopes to make myself feel better, is the excuse that I had to grow up. I had no choice, I just had to grow up. And much quicker than I would have liked. I was thrown into the real world and because of that, my independence that I so proudly held became a sin. I didn't need anyone's help, I could do it on my own. I was strong enough, I could carry it. That's another layer He is removing. And it is painful.
And then there's grace. The undeserved gift, abounding in every direction, in it's purest form.
I will always have a constant emotional or physical reminder of my inadequacy. But those scars, wherever they are, to their deepest core or surfaced appearance are proof that He loves me. He loves me enough to wash me new every morning. To saturate me in His grace. To envelope me in His love. Something that I see, as a blessing that my mind cannot comprehend the vast love that He has for me.
that's just for now...
I often see myself in the stainless white clothes that He so generously places upon my filthy shoulders. But then I remember, how tainted I was before. It is just a really difficult concept for me to grasp; that a Savior could bear to love such a blemished human. It's been weighing on me for sometime now. And because I have struggled to accept it, I've then struggled to give the same love to others. I wish I could consistently let go of my stubborn self, and just drench my thirsty heart in the love of Christ. Key word, consistently. I have horrible habits of making 'one time' submissions, or 'one time' confessions, etc.. I suppose an excuse I use in hopes to make myself feel better, is the excuse that I had to grow up. I had no choice, I just had to grow up. And much quicker than I would have liked. I was thrown into the real world and because of that, my independence that I so proudly held became a sin. I didn't need anyone's help, I could do it on my own. I was strong enough, I could carry it. That's another layer He is removing. And it is painful.
And then there's grace. The undeserved gift, abounding in every direction, in it's purest form.
I will always have a constant emotional or physical reminder of my inadequacy. But those scars, wherever they are, to their deepest core or surfaced appearance are proof that He loves me. He loves me enough to wash me new every morning. To saturate me in His grace. To envelope me in His love. Something that I see, as a blessing that my mind cannot comprehend the vast love that He has for me.
that's just for now...
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Back to the Basics
Letting you read this scares me.
I have been in a battle for a long time. Fighting against, loneliness. From just a friend, to that significant other that most humans long for. In my little circle of friends, seems as though everyone has a significant other and is either dating or on their way to marriage. And lately, my thought process has been strategic. Thoughts of who could be there, what to wear, blah blah blah. I hate it. Because after my high school relationship ended, I felt a tremendous peace about being single. And that peace extended for a long time. But it has slowly deteriorated. I had a really awesome conversation with God a week or so ago. We talked about this and my concern of how I will know when it's okay to date. Because I had to re-learn what it looked like for God to guard my heart. Not only that, but I also had to desire that, and then do my part. So it's been like a vault. No one in, just not even going to go there, because it scared me. I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and I believed that that was to be single. As more than a year passed, I became really confused on how I was supposed to know if I was ready to date. If God even wanted me to date. It truly got to the point of my motives being distracted.
A few days later, I had another conversation with the Big Guy upstairs. The solution: God will not bless me with anything unless I desire Him. I was content being single because I was joyful in God, desiring Him, and loving the ride. That content drifted away when I drifted away from God. From spending time with Him, talking with Him. That excitement of being able to talk with the Creator of the universe got highly inconsistent.
Such a simple reminder, and I am still learning. A basic concept, and I always need to be reminded. I love that feeling when you hit this point of revelation and it seems as though all the worries and concerns that consumed your thoughts have vanquished into thin air.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4
I have been in a battle for a long time. Fighting against, loneliness. From just a friend, to that significant other that most humans long for. In my little circle of friends, seems as though everyone has a significant other and is either dating or on their way to marriage. And lately, my thought process has been strategic. Thoughts of who could be there, what to wear, blah blah blah. I hate it. Because after my high school relationship ended, I felt a tremendous peace about being single. And that peace extended for a long time. But it has slowly deteriorated. I had a really awesome conversation with God a week or so ago. We talked about this and my concern of how I will know when it's okay to date. Because I had to re-learn what it looked like for God to guard my heart. Not only that, but I also had to desire that, and then do my part. So it's been like a vault. No one in, just not even going to go there, because it scared me. I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and I believed that that was to be single. As more than a year passed, I became really confused on how I was supposed to know if I was ready to date. If God even wanted me to date. It truly got to the point of my motives being distracted.
A few days later, I had another conversation with the Big Guy upstairs. The solution: God will not bless me with anything unless I desire Him. I was content being single because I was joyful in God, desiring Him, and loving the ride. That content drifted away when I drifted away from God. From spending time with Him, talking with Him. That excitement of being able to talk with the Creator of the universe got highly inconsistent.
Such a simple reminder, and I am still learning. A basic concept, and I always need to be reminded. I love that feeling when you hit this point of revelation and it seems as though all the worries and concerns that consumed your thoughts have vanquished into thin air.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4
Sunday, October 10, 2010
over-the-hill is not really over
So, I completed the 40 day fast last Sunday. Am I supposed to feel accomplished or proud? Because if so I must have done something wrong. You know, I wish I could tell you that God just really moved in these 40 days. And he did. Just not in the way some would expect. To be entirely honest, I did a poor poor job of making time to meet with Him. Not finding time with him. Because it's not about squeezing him into my 'chaotic' schedule. I identified early that I just was not seeking him as earnestly as I ought to, that I pretty much wasn't meeting Him half-way. You know what I did? I prayed and talked about it, but took no action. I was so caught up in doing this fast perfectly that I made it my priority. I placed God on the back-burner. And I am ashamed. Completely ashamed. These 40 days were not about doing the fast.Yes, I made this commitment with God and I did my absolute best to honor it. But in the midst of the fast, it was as if God just kind of went, "hello! are you even looking for me? I'm waiting for you, where are you?" And that's the part where you're heart sinks and you turn your face in hopes of avoiding the wide-eyes of the one who said, 'I'm waiting for you.' That's how I felt. So, I did this fast. I never wanted this fast to an attempt for vanity and I pray that it wasn't.This does nothing to my 'spiritual/religious status'. Nor would I want it to. It is an intimacy with Christ that is absolutely refreshing. It only brought on the realization that I don't do it as often as I should. In Matthew 6, it says 'When you fast..' not if you get around to it, if you choose to fast, but WHEN. It is an act of obedience, a step of action to pursue Christ, pursue holiness, pursue righteousness.
Friday, September 24, 2010
untitled
I found that once in a routine, you truly find what you value in life. For me, it was work. Not an occupation to make money, or status, or success. I need to be on the field. I was caught off guard when I came back to America. I had a lot of things to do, people to meet with, classes to sign up for, the list goes on and on. But now that I'm in somewhat of a routine, I am greatly missing it. I find myself getting lost in the thought that I just have to be somewhere else.
This may be a selfish thought, but when people ask me how the summer went, sometimes I just want to tell them how hard it was. How I have never been immersed in a society that felt such loneliness, that I constantly pray for the students and families that I've encountered. That I have to relinquish my love for them to God. It was not easy. In fact, I can say in my 20 years of living, that it has probably been one of the most, if not the most, difficult three months of my life. I wish I could let those, who asked out of courtesy, step in and see the pain in some of these lives. What's odd is that, the emotions were unending. People who honesty walked around emotionless, bared so much. I don't know how to explain it.
As hard as it is, it is also dangerously intriguing. I couldn't help but pass someone and wonder what has happened in their life. Or even go as much as analyzing. Not in a judgmental way, but just out of pure curiosity. Curiosity that streams from this emptiness that seems to be inescapable. Then, I go back to when I felt lonely, empty, hollow. And at my deepest point, I wondered if it is even near to how they felt.
After moments of secretly peering through a stranger's eyes, my immediate reaction is, that I have to help them. Whatever that looks like. I know that my hands are worthless, but with everything that I have, I desire to help; to be a conduit. I cannot get the faces that I passed, the conversations that I had, or just the ground that I walked on out of my head. It is like an movie on replay. No title, never skipping, a pause button does not exist, and the ending has yet to be written.
So, I leave with this thought. What is the ending? The next scene? I'm not the writer, I'm simply an extra. How do I help, allow myself to be used as that conduit, an ocean away?
This may be a selfish thought, but when people ask me how the summer went, sometimes I just want to tell them how hard it was. How I have never been immersed in a society that felt such loneliness, that I constantly pray for the students and families that I've encountered. That I have to relinquish my love for them to God. It was not easy. In fact, I can say in my 20 years of living, that it has probably been one of the most, if not the most, difficult three months of my life. I wish I could let those, who asked out of courtesy, step in and see the pain in some of these lives. What's odd is that, the emotions were unending. People who honesty walked around emotionless, bared so much. I don't know how to explain it.
As hard as it is, it is also dangerously intriguing. I couldn't help but pass someone and wonder what has happened in their life. Or even go as much as analyzing. Not in a judgmental way, but just out of pure curiosity. Curiosity that streams from this emptiness that seems to be inescapable. Then, I go back to when I felt lonely, empty, hollow. And at my deepest point, I wondered if it is even near to how they felt.
After moments of secretly peering through a stranger's eyes, my immediate reaction is, that I have to help them. Whatever that looks like. I know that my hands are worthless, but with everything that I have, I desire to help; to be a conduit. I cannot get the faces that I passed, the conversations that I had, or just the ground that I walked on out of my head. It is like an movie on replay. No title, never skipping, a pause button does not exist, and the ending has yet to be written.
So, I leave with this thought. What is the ending? The next scene? I'm not the writer, I'm simply an extra. How do I help, allow myself to be used as that conduit, an ocean away?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
40 Days
I have been challenged to go on a fast for the next 40 days. Fasting from whatever the Lord presses on my heart. I have never attempted a fast for this amount of time. But I feel so convicted to proceed with the 'Daniel Fast' and a total media fast. In the Daniel Fast, I will be only eating fruits, veggies, and beans. For the next 40 days. In the media fast, I will be ridding my life of all secular music, movies, t.v shows and whatever else. So I am humbly begging you to pray for strength. This is a time for me to reflect and remember His Kingdom. Remember how it is not of this earth, but it is our duty to show the Kingdom in my day to day life. So pray that I will have an abundance of grace and let my soul, my hunger, my desire be filled by the only One who can suffice. So here we go. 40 days.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
No Words
Lord, please give me the words. I have sat and thought for past two weeks about how I could possibly share this experience with you. I am truly having difficulty finding the words. So, as I begin to write, I pray that my words are stripped and that you only hear of the power of Christ through this.
Here it is. This is it. My heart aches at the thought of going back. I have fallen completely in love with this ministry; completely in love with this continent. I prepared myself to feel a sense of brokenness for a country, but I didn’t expect to be broken for an entire continent. This work, this journey has been everything I didn’t expect.
I am more than thankful for what God has done in this place, in my heart, in this generation. It is something completely indescribable, but something so very powerful. I wish I could give you a glimpse of what has happened over the past two and a half months. I apologize as I try to paint the picture, but trust me; it still does this no justice.
As I begin processing what just happened, I have felt an overwhelming weight on my shoulders; a weight for this continent, for the youth, for the church. I have found that this is what I will call my ‘holy discontent’. Let me try to explain. This holy discontent stirs inside of me. It is an emotion that cannot be contained, it is physically impossible for me to sit on the side lines. It is spiritually impossible for me to watch from across an ocean. It is something that burdens me to my deepest inner core. And I simply cannot ignore it. Nor do I wish I could. It is a burning desire for these people to experience the love of God; a desire that ignites my being. Let me challenge you, what is your holy discontent?
It is an invigorating feeling when God’s desire is placed in your heart; even more, when that desire is so clearly seen. This is his plan, not mine. I am thankful that God has given me a great peace about returning. Peace, yet also excitement in what is next. A lot has been revealed to me and I am so excited to see where I am lead next. So, this is my confident prayer for this continent:
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break froth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the LORD, and everlasting sign that shall not be cut off” Isaiah 55:10-13
So as this chapter winds down, a new one begins. I wish I could give detailed explanations of what the Lord did over the past few months.
So, I will continue to update you on what the Lord is pressing on my heart as well as share with you some of the most incredible stories in my life and stories of some beautiful people. For now, here are some prayer requests:
Pray against apathy and complacency.
Pray for strength, as I am already experiencing spiritual warfare back in America
Pray for wisdom and guidance as I follow the Lord in what discipleship looks like.
Pray that it would be a smooth transition; having this ministry here, while picking up the one back in Arkansas.
Pray that the lessons the Lord has taught me here will be applied and remembered.
Pray that I continue to further the areas into which He graciously filled me.
Pray for the church in Rijeka, Croatia.
Pray for clarity for what I am supposed to do next.
Pray for the students; that they remember the feeling they had at camp isn’t just available at camp, or available through Americans. Pray that they might see it as something new, redeeming, and loving. Pray that God provides someone to follow up with those who have something stirring inside of their hearts.
Pray for the believers there; that they might be encouraged in a desolate society.
Excerpts from Psalm 119 are a good picture of my thoughts, my hearts desire. Please lift this up as a prayer:
27”Make me understand the way of your precepts, and I will meditate on your wondrous works.”
33-36”Teach me, O Lord, the way of your statues; and I will keep it to the end. Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain!”
112 ”I incline my heart to perform your statues forever, to the end.”
123-125”My eyes long for your salvation and for the fulfillment of your righteous promise. Deal with your servant according to your steadfast love, and teach me your statues. I am your servant; give me understanding, that I may know your testimonies!”
175 “Let my soul live and praise you…”
I feel so prompted to share some scripture with you all; scripture that sums up these past months, my heart, the heart of the students, and the might of our God. Soak it in.
“Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously; let this be made known in all the earth” Isaiah 12:5
“I saw the Lord always before me, for he sat at my right hand that I might not be shaken; therefore my heart was glad, and my tongue rejoiced; my flesh also will dwell in hope” Act 2:25-26
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ
“As it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death” Phil 1:20
"The heavens declare the glory of God..." Ps 19:1
“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you” Ps 63:3
"There is none holy like the LORD; there is none besides you; there is(B) no rock like our God.: 1 Samuel 2:2
“The Spirit and the Bride say, ‘Come’. And let the one who hears say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who is thirty come; let the one who desires take the what of life without price” Revelation 22:17
“But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.” Jude 1:20-21
“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap” Galatians 6:9
“And around the throne, on each side of the throne, are four living creatures, full of eyes in front and behind: the first living creature like a lion, the second living creature like an ox, the third living creature with the face of a man, and the fourth living creature like an eagle in flight. And the four living creatures, each of them with six wings, are full of eyes all around and within, and day and night they never cease to say,
‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God
Almighty,
Who was and is and is to come!”
They cast their crowns before the throne, saying,
‘Worthy are you, our Lord and God
To receive the glory and honor and power,
For you created all things
And by your will they existed and were created’
To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!” Revelation 4:6-8,11,13
Here it is. This is it. My heart aches at the thought of going back. I have fallen completely in love with this ministry; completely in love with this continent. I prepared myself to feel a sense of brokenness for a country, but I didn’t expect to be broken for an entire continent. This work, this journey has been everything I didn’t expect.
I am more than thankful for what God has done in this place, in my heart, in this generation. It is something completely indescribable, but something so very powerful. I wish I could give you a glimpse of what has happened over the past two and a half months. I apologize as I try to paint the picture, but trust me; it still does this no justice.
As I begin processing what just happened, I have felt an overwhelming weight on my shoulders; a weight for this continent, for the youth, for the church. I have found that this is what I will call my ‘holy discontent’. Let me try to explain. This holy discontent stirs inside of me. It is an emotion that cannot be contained, it is physically impossible for me to sit on the side lines. It is spiritually impossible for me to watch from across an ocean. It is something that burdens me to my deepest inner core. And I simply cannot ignore it. Nor do I wish I could. It is a burning desire for these people to experience the love of God; a desire that ignites my being. Let me challenge you, what is your holy discontent?
It is an invigorating feeling when God’s desire is placed in your heart; even more, when that desire is so clearly seen. This is his plan, not mine. I am thankful that God has given me a great peace about returning. Peace, yet also excitement in what is next. A lot has been revealed to me and I am so excited to see where I am lead next. So, this is my confident prayer for this continent:
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break froth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the LORD, and everlasting sign that shall not be cut off” Isaiah 55:10-13
So as this chapter winds down, a new one begins. I wish I could give detailed explanations of what the Lord did over the past few months.
So, I will continue to update you on what the Lord is pressing on my heart as well as share with you some of the most incredible stories in my life and stories of some beautiful people. For now, here are some prayer requests:
Pray against apathy and complacency.
Pray for strength, as I am already experiencing spiritual warfare back in America
Pray for wisdom and guidance as I follow the Lord in what discipleship looks like.
Pray that it would be a smooth transition; having this ministry here, while picking up the one back in Arkansas.
Pray that the lessons the Lord has taught me here will be applied and remembered.
Pray that I continue to further the areas into which He graciously filled me.
Pray for the church in Rijeka, Croatia.
Pray for clarity for what I am supposed to do next.
Pray for the students; that they remember the feeling they had at camp isn’t just available at camp, or available through Americans. Pray that they might see it as something new, redeeming, and loving. Pray that God provides someone to follow up with those who have something stirring inside of their hearts.
Pray for the believers there; that they might be encouraged in a desolate society.
Excerpts from Psalm 119 are a good picture of my thoughts, my hearts desire. Please lift this up as a prayer:
27”Make me understand the way of your precepts, and I will meditate on your wondrous works.”
33-36”Teach me, O Lord, the way of your statues; and I will keep it to the end. Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain!”
112 ”I incline my heart to perform your statues forever, to the end.”
123-125”My eyes long for your salvation and for the fulfillment of your righteous promise. Deal with your servant according to your steadfast love, and teach me your statues. I am your servant; give me understanding, that I may know your testimonies!”
175 “Let my soul live and praise you…”
I feel so prompted to share some scripture with you all; scripture that sums up these past months, my heart, the heart of the students, and the might of our God. Soak it in.
“Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously; let this be made known in all the earth” Isaiah 12:5
“I saw the Lord always before me, for he sat at my right hand that I might not be shaken; therefore my heart was glad, and my tongue rejoiced; my flesh also will dwell in hope” Act 2:25-26
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ
“As it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death” Phil 1:20
"The heavens declare the glory of God..." Ps 19:1
“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you” Ps 63:3
"There is none holy like the LORD; there is none besides you; there is(B) no rock like our God.: 1 Samuel 2:2
“The Spirit and the Bride say, ‘Come’. And let the one who hears say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who is thirty come; let the one who desires take the what of life without price” Revelation 22:17
“But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.” Jude 1:20-21
“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap” Galatians 6:9
“And around the throne, on each side of the throne, are four living creatures, full of eyes in front and behind: the first living creature like a lion, the second living creature like an ox, the third living creature with the face of a man, and the fourth living creature like an eagle in flight. And the four living creatures, each of them with six wings, are full of eyes all around and within, and day and night they never cease to say,
‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God
Almighty,
Who was and is and is to come!”
They cast their crowns before the throne, saying,
‘Worthy are you, our Lord and God
To receive the glory and honor and power,
For you created all things
And by your will they existed and were created’
To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!” Revelation 4:6-8,11,13
Friday, July 16, 2010
A Gentle Whisper
“Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” 1 Kings 19:11-12
I have never been more in love. God has been all over this place. I have learned so much about my Creator, so much about my role in this story. Though I am just a speck in the vast and glorious story, I am loving every minute of it and am humbled at the work of God. Today, I am struggling to find the words. All that comes out of my mouth is praise. Praises for his manifestation in both camps, praises for a new hope seen in these students lives, praises for redemption. Something foreign and distant, they now can have. They are new, cleansed, and refreshed. A new relationship has begun with Christ. And it was not by me, it was not by any of us. But only by Christ. Only by His blood, only by his love, just Him. I long to be the vessel.
"The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life."
Revelation 22:17
I have never been more in love. God has been all over this place. I have learned so much about my Creator, so much about my role in this story. Though I am just a speck in the vast and glorious story, I am loving every minute of it and am humbled at the work of God. Today, I am struggling to find the words. All that comes out of my mouth is praise. Praises for his manifestation in both camps, praises for a new hope seen in these students lives, praises for redemption. Something foreign and distant, they now can have. They are new, cleansed, and refreshed. A new relationship has begun with Christ. And it was not by me, it was not by any of us. But only by Christ. Only by His blood, only by his love, just Him. I long to be the vessel.
"The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life."
Revelation 22:17
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Listening in Croatia
At the beginning of this journey I heard God specifically tell me that I needed to go and be in a total state of vulnerability. I was confident that He would bless these efforts and walk before me as began to obey his calling. However, I think when I got here, I forgot that I was here to be used for him and that was only possible when I would be entirely surrendered and dependent upon him. It’s been a loving cycle of brokenness. He keeps holding onto me and drawing me closer to him. It’s a very humbling thing to be in such a state of brokenness that I physically, spiritually, and mentally am constantly handing everything over to him. I can’t explain why or how I came to this state, other than the Spirit has just been burdening me for the people that I am encountering. Not just in Croatia, but in Eastern Europe. I have passed so many wandering bodies; lifeless humans, walking around with little to no purpose. They don’t understand what it means to be loved unconditionally. They don’t know what it feels like to have complete satisfaction in Christ. And since they don’t know, they substitute it with whatever they see satisfactory; even if it is just temporary.
It hasn’t been easy. I don’t think God intended for it to be easy. However, at the same time, it’s been incredibly natural. Natural because it is what God is doing. It is what He desired for me, and I finally caught onto this beautiful plan of his. I realize that I am only a “tree in a much more beautiful story about a forest” (Donald Miller). I guess the difficult part is how quickly I have fallen in love over here. With the culture, the people, the ministry. And then knowing I have to go back to America, while I feel my heart is here, in Europe. But it’s not God who changes depending on the country I am in. He is constant, everywhere. It’s my heart that changes; I convince myself that my ministry is not in America, though it is. My ministry is everywhere. And I have to keep reminding myself of that. Because it is so hard to trust that God will continue to reveal a mystery; especially one where you truly feel that you are not supposed to be in the place you call ‘home’.
I have never heard the Spirit give so many glimpses of what is to come. My mind is racing. God has been placing ideas, desires, passions, loves, whatever and my mind is going ninety to nothing! Of course, it’s been so exciting. At the same time, now I have to wait. It’s an amazing thing when God reveals such desires of his heart colliding with yours and gives you a peak of what He has planned. Breathtaking and a constant revelation of his sovereignty. My God is so beautiful.
So it looks like I’m back to where I started. Walking. Listening. Waiting. And I am loving every second of it. Praying for a patient heart and a keen ear to hear the Spirit.
I am so in love with my Creator.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Tomorrow
AHH! It's finally here.I leave tomorrow to embark on an incredible journey. Tomorrow I will finally be where I feel I belong. I have so desperately been waiting for this day. It has almost become my hope. To know that I will be doing what I know I am supposed to be doing. That’s not too common in my life. I tend to live a day to day life, waiting to hear for more direction. Sometimes, He gives little glimpses, but not full answers. Other times He tells me very clearly where I should go next.
I cannot explain how ready I am. I am not anticipating the excitement that this work will entail, but rather I am so very ready to be in the midst of persecution, redemption, and surrender. I cannot imagine what God will do. I have been asked many times leading up to this day, “What do you expect to see from God?” And to be entirely honest, I do not know what to expect. Of course, I expect for Him to work in ways that I cannot dream about. I expect Him to speak through us so that His kingdom is seen. But when it comes to what do I expect Him to do in my heart, I don’t have a clue. I have been thinking about how we set expectations for God. Not a bad thing at all, but what if the expectations we hold Him to are not what we need. What if we expect for God to strengthen our faith, but before that we have to experience God. I think in my own life, I tend to hold expectations that I know God can fulfill, but will he? He knows my heart and motives better than I do, so if I am praying for something, what if God first needs to fill us in a different area?
Colossians chapter four has been my anchor. When I meditate on these words from God, I am not only filled with new wisdom, but also courage and direction. I have been asking God to just send me off with a message that I can understand and then share it. For a long time, I felt like God was not going to honor that request prior to my trip. I knew He would provide, but I also knew it would be in His time. Let me share Colossians 4:1-6 with you:
“Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison-that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak. Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you out to answer each person.”
I would not call this a worry, but rather a hesitation. I have been just dwelling on how little I know about God, about his Word, about Christ. It is such an easy foothold for the enemy to step in. I will never be as wise as I want to be. I will be as wise as God pleases for me to be. I don’t know all the answers. And that is the beauty of Christ. I don’t have to know all the answers. There are secrets that God knows solely because our simple minds cannot comprehend such a vast amount of wisdom, and such a God who pours that wisdom on us. A sinful worldly creature, yet he is gracious enough to grant me the wisdom that I so much desire. I don’t get it. But this is why I have to go. I have to go and tell of the love that cannot be experienced any other way. Not only by obligation or obedience, but because I simply cannot keep my mouth shut!
I trust that God will keep the promise that he speaks of in Col 4. ‘that God may open to us a door for the word.’ And he will.
So as I continue to prepare for this trip, I leave with that hopeful word. To pray continually with thanksgiving, for God to open a door so that we can proclaim the name of Christ. To walk in wisdom, using my time well, to speak with grace and with salt so that they may thirst for Christ, and in doing this, the Spirit with speak for me.
Walking in His presence. Loving every minute.
I cannot explain how ready I am. I am not anticipating the excitement that this work will entail, but rather I am so very ready to be in the midst of persecution, redemption, and surrender. I cannot imagine what God will do. I have been asked many times leading up to this day, “What do you expect to see from God?” And to be entirely honest, I do not know what to expect. Of course, I expect for Him to work in ways that I cannot dream about. I expect Him to speak through us so that His kingdom is seen. But when it comes to what do I expect Him to do in my heart, I don’t have a clue. I have been thinking about how we set expectations for God. Not a bad thing at all, but what if the expectations we hold Him to are not what we need. What if we expect for God to strengthen our faith, but before that we have to experience God. I think in my own life, I tend to hold expectations that I know God can fulfill, but will he? He knows my heart and motives better than I do, so if I am praying for something, what if God first needs to fill us in a different area?
Colossians chapter four has been my anchor. When I meditate on these words from God, I am not only filled with new wisdom, but also courage and direction. I have been asking God to just send me off with a message that I can understand and then share it. For a long time, I felt like God was not going to honor that request prior to my trip. I knew He would provide, but I also knew it would be in His time. Let me share Colossians 4:1-6 with you:
“Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison-that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak. Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you out to answer each person.”
I would not call this a worry, but rather a hesitation. I have been just dwelling on how little I know about God, about his Word, about Christ. It is such an easy foothold for the enemy to step in. I will never be as wise as I want to be. I will be as wise as God pleases for me to be. I don’t know all the answers. And that is the beauty of Christ. I don’t have to know all the answers. There are secrets that God knows solely because our simple minds cannot comprehend such a vast amount of wisdom, and such a God who pours that wisdom on us. A sinful worldly creature, yet he is gracious enough to grant me the wisdom that I so much desire. I don’t get it. But this is why I have to go. I have to go and tell of the love that cannot be experienced any other way. Not only by obligation or obedience, but because I simply cannot keep my mouth shut!
I trust that God will keep the promise that he speaks of in Col 4. ‘that God may open to us a door for the word.’ And he will.
So as I continue to prepare for this trip, I leave with that hopeful word. To pray continually with thanksgiving, for God to open a door so that we can proclaim the name of Christ. To walk in wisdom, using my time well, to speak with grace and with salt so that they may thirst for Christ, and in doing this, the Spirit with speak for me.
Walking in His presence. Loving every minute.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
just thinking
Just thinking.
It is a whirlwind of emotions when the presence of God saturates a room of people who love Him. Do you know what I mean? That’s the way it was on Wednesday. It was like I could cry but not because I needed to or wanted to, but because I recognized how big God is. It’s like I sometimes forget, which I’m ashamed to admit, but it's true. It’s easy for me to forget about how mighty my God is and yet loves me enough to have a relationship with me? BAFFLING. I have done nothing to deserve Him.
The coolest thing about tonight: It was as if when scripture was read by someone, the voice of the Lord spoke. Audibly spoke- not symbolically, metaphorically, figuratively or any other ways, but I truly heard the sound of the Lord speaking promises and truths-in a way that I had never received it, but it revived my spirit. I’ve heard the Lord before, in different and awesome ways. I can even say I've heard him through scripture. But I have never heard an audible voice spoken through such powerful words as the ones promised by my God. It's been something I've needed. Tonight I felt like Thomas when Christ tells him to touch his side (John 20:27)- where he had been pierced- that is how tangible he was. It's a crazy thing when the Spirit of God engulfs you..
It is a whirlwind of emotions when the presence of God saturates a room of people who love Him. Do you know what I mean? That’s the way it was on Wednesday. It was like I could cry but not because I needed to or wanted to, but because I recognized how big God is. It’s like I sometimes forget, which I’m ashamed to admit, but it's true. It’s easy for me to forget about how mighty my God is and yet loves me enough to have a relationship with me? BAFFLING. I have done nothing to deserve Him.
The coolest thing about tonight: It was as if when scripture was read by someone, the voice of the Lord spoke. Audibly spoke- not symbolically, metaphorically, figuratively or any other ways, but I truly heard the sound of the Lord speaking promises and truths-in a way that I had never received it, but it revived my spirit. I’ve heard the Lord before, in different and awesome ways. I can even say I've heard him through scripture. But I have never heard an audible voice spoken through such powerful words as the ones promised by my God. It's been something I've needed. Tonight I felt like Thomas when Christ tells him to touch his side (John 20:27)- where he had been pierced- that is how tangible he was. It's a crazy thing when the Spirit of God engulfs you..
Monday, April 5, 2010
going somewhere..
I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I do not have a plan that exceeds three months, do not have an idea of what my future will hold. Sure, I have my hopes and dreams; some realistic,others not. But most of all, where am I going? That was
the question that really got me. I don't know what God is doing with my life. To most people my age, this is something that just doesn't settle easy. Especially with my parents; I'm sure they view my life as a somewhat lazy life-having no direction- since I didn't do the typical thing when you graduate.
I had a plan. It started when I was in my junior year of high school. At the time I was in a relationship that I believed was THE relationship. The one that would last. So I was counting on that, college was a given. I planned on either going somewhere in state,or following this guy that I believed was going to be my husband. We had talked about the future. Then we broke up. So now my plan had changed. I would still go to college, become a nurse,find a husband and start a family. My dream at the time was to have a family. I have never wanted anything more than to be a mom.
Senior year. The plans were still in motion. I was going to room with my best friend, have a great time meeting new people, seeing new things and then came January.
I had had what some would call a rude awakening; however, this is when God stepped in. I had finally opened the door and He brought direction. You see,I made those plans. God may have been slightly involved, but He had definitely not been the core of my searching. It was in the winter crisp air that my sovereign God spoke so very clearly. He said to stop planning and to go.Okay God,go where?
First it started with Slovakia-to sum this devastating blessing up: God had given peace and confirmations left and right. But it didn't work out. Okay God, now where? I had cancelled my applications to the colleges I applied to.
I ended up going to a community college working my way to nursing school- I figured medical missions is my 'calling' [I still believe it to be]. Second semester came around and I was enrolled in classes to further my nursing career. Another sovereign interruption.
I was talking with a friend, saying of how I just wanted to go; just serve, do what God desires for me to do. His advice: "Do it!" Plain and simple.
This leads me to where I am now. Croatia- I cannot express how divinely orchestrated this was. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and spiritual battles, but glory to God because His name is going to be known!
One of the most challenging obstacles in this journey has been the telling my friends and family. I found myself shocked at some of the responses I got [most seemed to come from the people whom I thought would have been most excited and supportive]. Responses that consisted of, 'are you sure?' 'Why' 'you're making a mistake' 'you can do ministry here at home, why are you leaving'? All of these seemed to burden me. I would express to these people that I have been praying that this is His desire placed in me. That I have to obey. It was not just a calling, but a simple act of obedience. I needed to tell of His glory. It was something that I had become deeply passionate about.
I have found that it is not about pleasing my parents or my friends. It wasn't about anyone who was watching. It's not about me. I am so unworthy to be used by Him, however He has bathed me in seasons of redemption to lead me to where I am now.I feel that God wants me to be in such a place of vulnerability and exposure that He beautifully seen in these dark places. Where I am lacking, He is sufficient. In my doubts, He has radiantly shown Himself.
I know that it is all about making his name famous. I just am waiting on where He leads me. Where can I glorify Him?
-lead by his hand.
Lauren
the question that really got me. I don't know what God is doing with my life. To most people my age, this is something that just doesn't settle easy. Especially with my parents; I'm sure they view my life as a somewhat lazy life-having no direction- since I didn't do the typical thing when you graduate.
I had a plan. It started when I was in my junior year of high school. At the time I was in a relationship that I believed was THE relationship. The one that would last. So I was counting on that, college was a given. I planned on either going somewhere in state,or following this guy that I believed was going to be my husband. We had talked about the future. Then we broke up. So now my plan had changed. I would still go to college, become a nurse,find a husband and start a family. My dream at the time was to have a family. I have never wanted anything more than to be a mom.
Senior year. The plans were still in motion. I was going to room with my best friend, have a great time meeting new people, seeing new things and then came January.
I had had what some would call a rude awakening; however, this is when God stepped in. I had finally opened the door and He brought direction. You see,I made those plans. God may have been slightly involved, but He had definitely not been the core of my searching. It was in the winter crisp air that my sovereign God spoke so very clearly. He said to stop planning and to go.Okay God,go where?
First it started with Slovakia-to sum this devastating blessing up: God had given peace and confirmations left and right. But it didn't work out. Okay God, now where? I had cancelled my applications to the colleges I applied to.
I ended up going to a community college working my way to nursing school- I figured medical missions is my 'calling' [I still believe it to be]. Second semester came around and I was enrolled in classes to further my nursing career. Another sovereign interruption.
I was talking with a friend, saying of how I just wanted to go; just serve, do what God desires for me to do. His advice: "Do it!" Plain and simple.
This leads me to where I am now. Croatia- I cannot express how divinely orchestrated this was. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and spiritual battles, but glory to God because His name is going to be known!
One of the most challenging obstacles in this journey has been the telling my friends and family. I found myself shocked at some of the responses I got [most seemed to come from the people whom I thought would have been most excited and supportive]. Responses that consisted of, 'are you sure?' 'Why' 'you're making a mistake' 'you can do ministry here at home, why are you leaving'? All of these seemed to burden me. I would express to these people that I have been praying that this is His desire placed in me. That I have to obey. It was not just a calling, but a simple act of obedience. I needed to tell of His glory. It was something that I had become deeply passionate about.
I have found that it is not about pleasing my parents or my friends. It wasn't about anyone who was watching. It's not about me. I am so unworthy to be used by Him, however He has bathed me in seasons of redemption to lead me to where I am now.I feel that God wants me to be in such a place of vulnerability and exposure that He beautifully seen in these dark places. Where I am lacking, He is sufficient. In my doubts, He has radiantly shown Himself.
I know that it is all about making his name famous. I just am waiting on where He leads me. Where can I glorify Him?
-lead by his hand.
Lauren
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