oh marriage.

I have questions about life, as most do. I have hesitations, doubts, frustrations, you name it. But I know that those emotions are a result of my lack of trust, my lack of surrender, my prideful will over-shadowing His. Father, ignite and fuel my faith! 

The biggest and most reoccurring thought lately (and for a few years now) has been...dun dun dun! Marriage. Oh marriage.
I so easily let that desire of marriage-of companionship-of my adventure partner-become a thought of something I 'need' that trumps the unrelenting love and satisfaction of Jesus. Why would anything be given to me if I desire it more than I desire Jesus?

The more I think and hope for that unity, a family, even if I am to justify it with Christ-centeredness, the more I hope for that instead of just simply, Him. If I desire and choose to deny myself daily and take up my cross (Luke 9:23),  then I have to do so. I have to deny my wants, my desires, my longings, and dreams. Laying them at the altar in an effort to say, "Jesus, take them. I submit. I say 'no' to my will and joyfully, radically, and obediently choose Yours".

I am learning that if God wants me to marry someone, then our desires must be in sync with Christ's; our passion for the Kingdom must always come before our passion for one another. And if He desires for me to marry someone, it will happen! In His perfect timing, in His perfect way. The part where I mess up is during the waiting period-dating, marriage, life. I can either continually submit to the life plan that God has for me, or I can make it harder on myself and let disappointment and doubt sneak back in. He must always be first, and must always be implicitly trusted.

When I collide with this realization of utter surrender, I know I often expect something in return..as if I've done something to even deserve that. I have to surrender. I have to let go. With no expectations. 

To not only lay it at the altar, but to also leave it at the altar. 
Leaving everything I am, everything I have at the righteous feet of Jesus...because He is enough.