Still

I’m sure at some point or another everyone has thought their life out. It’s comforting to know that it never happens the exact way you pictured it. In that sweet moment of figuring out your life, innocence is aroused and direction seems limitless. But, it seems as though you always hit that point, the point of confusion. However it be measured, confusion is inevitable [that word is used multiple times a day in my vocabulary]. I am always confused. In my case, it is more directed at where to go next. Often pouring my soul out to the Father [as if he doesn’t ‘understand’] just asking for direction, for understanding, for some answer. I feel like I find myself maybe having an idea of where God is leading me next, then some way or another that direction is lost and I find myself at another fork in the road. Something that has been on replay in my mind is how confusion could be a blessing. Bear with me. A few months back, that thought dawned on me. What if God intended for confusion to be a blessing? So, for months I began to write in my journal about the concept, the possibility, the reasons as to why, seeking for a conclusion. And for months, I found myself just exploring the theory; never really coming to an end, never really grasping my own idea.

And then it happened. I find myself seeing confusion as frustrating rather than a catalyst to see His sovereignty. That’s all it is. Why should I try to plan out my life when my Creator knows the number of hairs on my head (Luke 12:7)? I believe that confusion is a blessing. Because ultimately, it forces me to find Direction. It is a beautiful picture.

Accompanying this confusion is complete and utter exhaustion. No, weariness. That physical and emotional feeling of being heavy burdened, tired.

I am constantly going. Every day, all the time. To experience rest in the way the Father intended, seems to be light-years away. What if the ‘cure’ for weariness was to simply, sit. Soak in the Spirit’s restoration. What if, like me, you’re terrible at that? I honestly, do not know how to just be still [and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10). I feel like that always has to be the following statement]. Can it be learned? How do I rest? I know where to find it, but how do I do it?

Confused and weary at times. Blessed to not know where I am going.

Praying that I will, with everything inside of me, fall into the arms of my Father.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9