i can't explain myself to you through a well-written post. it's just impossible. this is a piece of my journal-whom no one reads except me. it's just between me and Him. but i had to attempt to show you where i am and what He is doing.

"God I so desire to do whatever you want. I so desire to be with You. God, I long to be Home. God, I long to see your face. But you keep me here. And you give me physical pain for the depravity of my neighbors.

Jesus, please intensify that pain. God, as I write across this paper, my hand is shaking. Father storm my spirit with Yours. Father, I beg of you, God please, I am begging for your will. God if I dare to desire anything more than You, God would you please, oh my goodness God, please please rid me of that. Show me how useless, meaningless, temporary, unfulfillable these worldly, these fleshly desires are. And God, they can't amount to You! So Father, I am pleading with you to please make this desire a raging rapid. Make it rush, make it rage, make it crash against rocks (the rocks being all my human desires) with force. Drowning them so that their once protruding surfaces are now unseen. God I beg you to do this. I'm shaking God. I know this is You; Christ in me. Oh Jesus please.

God keep me occupied with your joy (Ecc 5).

And as I experience Your joy: full, complete, flawless, I am also experiencing immense sorrow. Because I know I'm safe while others are not; some who are my best friends, family, and others I don't even know what they look like. Jesus, continue to break my heart. It's only a fraction of how you feel and God what a privilege to feel Your heart. Please pour it on me.

Whatever You want, whoever you want me to talk to. God yes! And God as there will be times I don't see the fruit, God graciously give me perseverance.

Jesus-all for Your Name's sake. God, take me where you want me, do with me what you want, speak to me what you want. I desire You. Nothing, but You!"

though it is not in this particular page from my journal: i am singing praises